things that really really hurt

I saw my last p-doc for over 5 years.

Then there was a stuff-up, where he told me he wanted to do 10 ECT's, and did 6, and then he went away for a week. And didn't come back. And all his rooms would say was that they'd put my name down for an appt when he did get back but they wouldn't say when.

My t-doc phoned about another patient, and got the same story, other than that she was told if it was an emergency, his partner (in the practice, and as in girlfriend type partner), would see patients but only if it was important.

My sister somehow got me in to see current p-doc.

When M eventually reappeared, it turned out he'd collapsed while hunting, and had ended up having all sorts of heart surgery. I asked why his receptionist hadn't said anything about health problems, and he got very angry about not wanting to share his health issues with the whole world.

I went away and thought about the way the whole issue had been handled. And about M wanting to leave the country. And about current p-doc's rep. And then I did what I thought was moral, and right. I made another appt, and went to him and said 'M, I'm going to keep seeing J for the following...'. Didn't really get into the reasons, he said straight out that he wished J luck, because I had been enough of a headache to him already. And a couple of other nasties about ditching him when he was down, etc

T-doc told me about a week ago that he is closing practice, and moving to Holland. I sent a bland email to the common address, saying I wished him luck, and if he had time, I'd love to see him for coffee. In the last two years, I've sent 4 or 5 mails, when I've thought of him, just saying that I hope stuff is going well.

So tonight I was just really thinking of him, and how much I hope his move goes well, and that somehow I still really care for him. So I phoned his cell, from my landline (cos my cell was charging). It didn't go to voice mail, so I hung up after about 10 rings. An hour later, landline rings, which I very seldom answer. But I did.

"This is Dr x, returning your call." I'm like so ecstatic to hear his voice! I say 'hey, M, this is jcat, how are ------

He hung up.

I hoped, really hoped, that it had been a dropped signal. So being the dumb stupid thickskinned c**t that I am, I called back. No reply.

Two hours later. I haven't cut, because my left arm is so stuffed that I already went today and bought long sleeved T's. And I don't want to start on anywhere else, because i probably wouldn't stop. And I already took the meds plus extras plus vodka mix.

And I just can't stop thinking about a man - not only p-doc, he did the t-doc bit as well - who knew me so well for so long. He knew me eventually in ways that it will take 100 years of marriage before I ever open up that deep again.

He couldn't even have the balls to tell me to piss off, that two years after I stopped seeing him in as professional a manner as I could manage, he still hates me.

He just hung up.

I must be a really loathsome, cretinous asshole in his opinion...