invasion of the pc borrowers

poor cat-buddy is still without PC, so she spent much of the day and evening here doing her urgent work. As a result, I'm feeling deprived (of hours of surfing...nothing important!) and over-socialised. Even though she is probably the person I am most able to spend time with, today was just too much time with people. I went out to domestic-rehab centre today too, taking my rescue boy to see their clinic manager. Took him to the vet as well, while he was out in the car anyway - he now weighs 20.15 kg! I haven't noticed how much weight he's picked up recently, but in early July he only weighed 14.5 kg.

Feeling so unsettled at the moment. I know there are all sorts of things that will probably happen this week, but none of them have dates or times attached, except for seeing t-doc on Weds. Have to attend a work meeting with senior people at some stage, but no-one can tell me when. Will hopefully see p-doc sometime too, but don't know when either. Need to schedule rehab shifts to help wash birds. Just need to know what will be happening....

And am drinking way too much this week - started with being on call, and not being able to take enough sleeping tabs. So I'm now off call for a week. Yippee. Have remembered why I don't like the Ambien though - it might mean I can function in the middle of the night, but it really knocks me in the morning. Sleep through alarm, sleep in bath, only get moving by about 10h00...kind of knock. Hohum. Don't know what else to try, given that without something I am still lurking around the house at midnight.

I am so tired of feeling like this. I am so tired of defining my life by meds and appointments and what to try next. Nothing fucking works. I want out, one way or another. Just too long. Too dark. Too lonely. Too fucking pointless.

good/bad

the good bit: down to half an Ambien. Still wake up 5 times. But don't feel groggy, and woke up on time feeling clear-headed.
the rest: feeling clear-headed has no influence on feeling crap. Way down in the dungeons crap. Kind of a giveaway when you lie in the bath at 07h15 and cry because the day has already been too long.
and the stupid bit: sleeping in the afternoon for less than an hour. That's enough though to make me too awake to go to sleep early. So the crap day gets to be a crap evening too....