ho hum

ok, so what did I actually do with the entire day....

Fed birds, went to fetch a bird that had died already and instead bought a cake to take to tea at visiting-friend, read half the newspaper, tidied half of desk. Reread school magazines which were lying on desk (no, I have no idea why they were there) and cried about all my entries. Read 'Me and Marley' by John Grogan and cried about dogs and dying. Made content lists for car CD's and cried listening to most of the songs. Shelved last 3 months worth of books, a major achievement. Cried some more. Had a phone-call from pdoc's admin lady, just to say hello and ask how it's going. Cried about that too.

What I didn't do : exercise, cook, wash dishes, shave legs (PT again in the morning) or almost all the jobs I was supposed to do today. And worst of all, didn't see visiting-friend. In spite of the cake that is still sitting on my car seat. I reread mail, worked out that I could legitimately go for tea onwards instead of lunch and mailed her to confirm. Halfway there I listened to the voicemail that I'd missed as I was getting ready to leave home, and discovered that she had had to change plans and was no longer hosting tea. Bummer. So now I feel like a real bitch for not going at lunchtime.

I feel like a real bitch about most things. I wonder why I still have friends, when all I ever do is avoid seeing them, or talking to them. I don't deserve them, or my family. Don't deserve either of my jobs, because I just screw those up too most of the time. Actually, I screw up just about every part of my entire life. Even the things that I try to do right.

Loser. Total, complete, utter loser.

such a bitch

the worst bit about yesterday's trip was the way I yelled at the guy bringing the tortoises. I don't know the area, and had looked up where I was supposed to meet him, and then it turned out he didn't have a clue where that was and every time I phoned him he'd come up with some other landmark where he was, and I couldn't even get him to tell me which road he was on. So I kept losing it and starting to cry and shouting at him to please just find the river or ask someone. Felt like such a cow.
And then I'd cry for ten minutes and phone him again, and lose it all over again.

Cried for an hour back to town. Cried even more when I realised it was two years since one of our senior volunteers was killed in a car accident. Just about cried for the rest of the evening.

And today, cried all the way to see p-doc, firstly because work is stuffing me around and most of what I've done for the last 3 months is going to be wasted because the people who should be driving this project don't want to tell the client that the reason he is going to pay huge amounts unnecessarily is because they've stuffed up. Cried for most of appt, and all the way home. Cried about birds dying. Stopped reading really sad book about teenager shooting herself, and started reading what should have been a happy chicklit book - all her others have been - only to discover well into it that the edgy feel of the first bit where her husband isn't with her but you don't know why is because he's dead. They were on their way to dinner, and then there was a car-crash and he was killed. All of a sudden the first part makes sense, even though a lot of it is her emailing him and leaving messages on his cell. Been crying all afternoon in between little bird feeding, and all evening too. Not even half past eight, and going to bed now. Can't even double up on sedatives because I'm on call - guess I can cry myself to sleep instead...