full-up friday

Today was one of the very few that I was actually useful to anyone. Started off with (as always) caring for my at-home birds, the ones no-one else will care for. Then spent the rest of the morning doing some IT work. Should have been only an hour or two, but as is usual for me nowdays, I screwed it up right at the beginning. Luckily I could fix it, and then get the new work done, but it is so humiliating, even if nobody else is aware of it. I used to be so so hot at my job, I was always the first/youngest/best at it...and now I am barely coping with a few part-time hours. Sometimes I think that it is unfair of me to still contract to my employer, when I know what an absolutely useless wanker I am. If they find someone to replace me, I would understand it. Meantime at least I can lurch from one crisis to the next, and keep the system pretty much stable and available. Guess that's about all that rescues me - the fact that my bosses don't actually realise what a loser I am.
And then to one of my few shifts at the rehab centre. I used to do at least 5 or 6 shifts a week, but since last year Jan it's about all I am capable of to just be there for one shift. In between, yeah, there's all sorts of pickups and catches etc, so I go there often anyway - just not as someone they can rely on to either staff the centre, or, when the manager is away, to run it, as I did a couple of times before this downer took hold.
What is really scaring me now, is that my boss has asked me to be one of three 'pack leaders' for troupes of meerkats (suricata suricatta) that are going to be released.
It means going away to the almost-desert for at least 10 days, probably two weeks, to get them acclimatised, take them foraging, monitor their progress etc. Just about every other volunteer would be better at it, but the number of people who can take the time away limits the choices. I can't say no, because it really has to be done, but I am so terrified of this. I don't have the bush skills needed, I am way too fat and unfit to go hiking through the desert all day, I really don't think I can do it properly. But I can't not agree to doing it. And at the same time, it's also an indication that my boss still thinks I am even halfway useful. It means finding lodgings for my birds, I have someone who will take care of the dogs, cats and house, doing all sorts of organisational things that are just going to end up being inadequately done. And most of all, it scares me that my failings are going to compromise the release of my troupe, and that they will probably end up dying in the desert because of me.

About the only thing that might save them is that at least one of the other group leaders is really capable, and will maybe help me enough to get them through the rehab. I hope so - I have enough bad things to account for already, without adding a whole bunch of cute, little dead creatures.