Friday, February 29, 2008

never ignore the deepest darkest voices

from the bits of your soul that you'd like to pretend don't exist. They're there for a reason - to remind you of things that you shouldn't ever forget.

In this case? The one that kept telling me that I am too much of a nasty stuffed-up bitch to take chances with other people's lives. And that it is safer for both them and me just to not get too involved.

Long story, and one I am too confused about to go into.... suffice it to say that PT dude came over this afternoon, really tense about something. And I figured that I could know better, and find a way to relax him a bit. Didn't work. I have spent the last seven hours crying, wishing that I could send him a text message to apologise, knowing that I can't.

Apart from feeling like the worst kind of manipulative bitch, I am raw and hurting myself. Two weeks today. I knew that this whole thing was going to stir up issues for me apart from anything connected to PT dude himself, and it's sure as shit doing that really well. Or really badly...probably a better way of phrasing it. And knowing that this is only ever going to be a micro-subset of a relationship doesn't stop it from really getting its hooks in deep. I asked pdoc today why he had thought it so unsurprising that the whole thing had happened - he phrased it a bit better, but...inevitable given that I am a miserable, lonely, sex-deprived old cow, confronted with a strangely intimate relationship with a fit, virile man. Can't even say ouch, because it's pretty much true.

All I can wish for tonight is that he still comes tomorrow to train, that I have the guts to apologise without starting to cry, that he is generous enough to accept an apology. And maybe that he will be kind enough to just hold me for a bit. No expectations....

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

out of control

just before the end of today's appointment with tdoc, she asked a question that I can't even remember, and in answering her, I said that I felt as if everything was out of control. And then did a mental double take, because I had no idea where that came from or why. Been bothering me all day since, because I've always figured that I had full control of my life, barring the standard sort of things; car crashes, taxes, invasion by aliens.... whatever the external issues might be.

The rest? I have always been lucky enough to have intelligence, a close and loving family, enough skills to keep myself employed in a well-paid job - or for it to have been my choice when I was doing other things. I thought about the parts of my life as it is now. I still have all those gifts, but they don't mean any kind of success any more. They are gifts. Not things I have earned in any real way. And I haven't used them properly, either.

And all the other areas that feel inevitable too; the steady withdrawal from real-life relationships, from day-to-day interaction with people, from things that I used to enjoy. The regular, steady drinking just to take the hurting edge off. The insulation of getting fatter every year, so that it seems sufficient reason not to involve myself in things....

I don't know why it suddenly surfaced as the revelation of the day, but ultimately, there's only one thing that I really don't have any kind of control over. And that's this whole depression / bipolar / madness..... whatever label I give it, it's the real issue underlying everything else. It's the one thing that never goes away, that consumes more of who I really am every year, that lets me take two steps forward before it drags me down the entire f-ing flight of stairs. Everything else is just the decoration on the bipolar cake, and no matter what I do to change things, to make healthy lifestyle choices, nothing changes the rottenness underneath.

I have to believe that the meds will make a difference sooner or later, and that pdoc's skills will find the right ones. That seeing tdoc will help until then. That if I keep trying to do more good things and less of the destructive ones, it will help too.

But on a day like today, where I caught myself holding the dude and just inhaling his scent, and all the longing and the isolation and the eternity of the last few years seemed too much...... yeah, guess I am out of control. Only thing left to see is whether this train makes the next station before it derails for good...

Friday, February 22, 2008

no wheels left

after the past few days, not just coming off any more. Just don't see things going anywhere good, and so, so tired of the way they are. I wake up, and before I even get out of bed, I am exhausted. Mostly I am crying because even a day with nothing planned just needs more energy than I have. I drag myself through it and spend most of the time being the fake smiley talkative persona that allows me to slide under the radar with almost everyone. Only four people in the world that I don't have to fake it for, and two of them get paid for enduring me. And then I stay up half the night crying, because going to sleep just signs off on yet another day of being a failure.

Saw pdoc today, and told him I want to come off most of the meds because they just don't have any positive effect - he didn't seem too surprised by the decision. Keep the Inderal, although even with it I am way tense and anxious, and far too close to losing my temper most of the time. And keep the sedative or I'd never be able to make myself sleep at night. Weird... sleeping during the day is so much easier. Everything else has been in long enough to demonstrate a complete lack of benefit, and I figure the Eldepryl is causing my feet to look and feel like basketballs for the past few days. Pdoc figures I might as well start wash-out anyway, because next med that he wants to try is back to the TCAs, and even for him, adding that to a MAOI and Remeron would be risky. I figure wash-out can't make things any worse than they are already.

Monday, February 18, 2008

very long weekend

ummm...let's just say my inadequacies were very obvious, and a lot of torturing was done over them. Not a good weekend...

Friday, February 15, 2008

nothing left to say

no changes in meds for at least another two weeks

no great insights that would fill me with understanding, and send me forth joyously

pdoc is still patting his own back over the exercise, and the improvements he promises will come soon

Old. Ugly. Alone. Nothing changes

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

to the person in asia looking for info on baby mynahs

....please mail me on if you are still looking for info

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

aching everything

Have been increasing the Eldepryl dosage every Sunday, which is fairly fast, but as long as the side-effects are minimal - and the result is zero - it's better than farting around at every dose for weeks. Can't do that anyway; I have already exhausted all the patience and optimism I can summon up, and only way I can hang in is by believing that maybe this week we'll hit the magic level. And by keeping on fooling myself with that week after eternal week.

So the only noticable side-effect of the Eldepryl is sore back and thigh muscles, and they hurt with renewed vigour every Monday. Yesterday's walk was torture, so PT dude decided that I needed a massage today - I'm never going to say no to that. I forget though how strong his hands are, and how expert he is at digging right into the muscles, and how damn sore it is. It's another one of those things that I know is good for me in the long run. Just sometimes though, I wish that I could do something apart from drinking that actually feels good right here and now.

And, of course, the other drawback is that extended celibacy doesn't suit me much anyway, and taking most of my clothes off for close contact with him doesn't really help either. I'm not in the least bit attracted to him, and it's completely workman-like and asensual, and I've never been turned on by pain anyway.... but still. This is more physical contact than I have had with a man in a long, long time, and it's leaving me uncomfortably horny afterwards. Goes without saying that the one common side-effect of the anti-depressants that I could easily cope with - the whole loss of interest in sex bit - is another one that I'm just not having. Think I should have a cold shower before bed....

Saturday, February 9, 2008

an exciting friday night.....

.....not. Work, quick supper with semi-sane cat buddy, more work. Oh - and lots of vodka, for a change. Have tentatively decided that the last of it will be Sunday night, after which I'll go back to the non-drinking bit for a while. Should be able to, given that I have finished the Round #1 version 2 of work tonight. For the next bit, I have tight but not impossible deadlines, so I should be able to get away without the all-night labours which I can only manage by drinking lots. That bit had pdoc rolling his eyes. As did the sushi episode - he figures that just because I have been subsisting on Caesar salad with extra extra Parmesan, bacon and added avocado didn't mean I should go test the MAOI diet to destruction. Decided not to mention that the most of the meals that aren't Caesar salad are things that also rank fairly high on the forbidden list. Sadly, it appears that soy sauce isn't one that I can cheat with.

Most of the rest of the appointment was spent sobbing. Again. Hate that. As was todays one with tdoc. At least I saw Duckbuddy for lunch yesterday. Although I cried for most of that too. And sorted out - in a non-sorting way - PT's absence. We kind of had one of those 'lets not actually talk about it' conversations. He knew I was unhappy about his not forcing me into training. I knew the probable reason, but didn't really think it should have become my concern. So we sat down, grunted 'shit week?' at each other as I put on my shoes, and then went for a walk, which pretty much terminates any conversation from me. He should count himself lucky - he's the only person I haven't cried all over all week....

Thursday, February 7, 2008

so what haven't I screwed up this week....

....umm. Nothing. Have pretty much managed to make a stuff-up of everything I have been anywhere near. And a whole bunch more from a distance.

I can't keep on like this, and don't know if I'd want to either. I spend more of my waking time crying than anything else. When I see news about people getting killed accidentally, my first thought is 'lucky bastard', followed by tears because whoever it was probably didn't want to die....

So it's after 02h00 and I'm playing catch-up because the problem I was yelling about before? Turned out not to be access, but a weird one from the other DBA's upgrade stuff - presenting in a way that I should have been experienced enough to see through. Good thing about working late is that it gives me lots of extra time to regret everything else I did wrong for the day, and to develop the knots in my neck a bit more. They are the only things getting developed - PT dude has gone weird too. Haven't seen him since Sat when everything seemed ok - guess not, given the very brief conversation and lack of training since.

Tdoc yesterday suggested a time-out. Can't do it - paying job would not be too accepting of that right in the middle of this project. And it's still baby mynah season. Besides, only option would be pdoc's hospital, and I just don't see the point of that other than to push me over the edge I'm slipping over on my own already. I could be replaced by someone more capable, in just about everything I do - a permanent timeout would be far more manageable than a temporary one....

Sunday, February 3, 2008

and the stupid prize goes to...

...just for a change. Way this award-winning episode started was with finishing phase 1 of the project that I have been working all hours of the night for, only to reach the conclusion that it was all pretty pointless. The request for file access that I had put in two full weeks ago had never been done, which means that the developers will have to assess and redo much of what I had done for them. I'd asked again before doing the last tasks, which would have made it about 90% OK. Didn't get it. Punted the request upward, no response from anyone. So on Friday I mailed everyone including the developers, who work for a different contractor - the project manager had a belated panic, and no-one else even twitched. I got more miserable, as well as grumpy.

After a few vodkas, I developed a need for sushi, one of my favourite foods. Only problem is that I am currently taking a large dose of a reversable MAOI, which is supposed to mean sticking to a strict tyramine-free diet. I've been kind of ignoring that anyway, because I don't seem to get much in the way of side-effects. Or results. Lots of sleepiness from stimulants, hypotension and dizziness from Nardil, lots of dreams from most things. And, I discovered, a nice reaction to the soy sauce, which eventually scared me enough to head up the road to the ER for a quick check to make sure that I wasn't about to blow any blood vessels.

One of those visits where every conversation was started by me saying 'umm, I know this was very stupid of me....'. And where the doctor on duty was equally annoyed by my idiocy and by the fact that I had to basically explain the current drugs I'm on, what the MAO-B distinction is, what the off-label uses are for half the meds - none of which he knew. I wouldn't expect him to, because he's not an adventurous shrink, but I'd also prefer it if he didn't treat me like a weirdo because I do try to learn about what I take. Even if the knowledge isn't always applied too wisely...