Sunday, August 31, 2008


earlier today I was doing the birdy cleaning up, and looked at the container readying itself to go the glass recycling dump up the road. Large number of vodka bottles for the last two weeks, since the dude-baby was first mentioned.

On Friday we met, had coffee, talked a bit and went to see a funny movie. The movie, and everything else for the day was made even better because of his comments. He picks up on things that are awesomely funny, but would be missed if he didn't highlight them. Same for the rest of life with him - it would fly beneath the radar if he didn't highlight things, and then it's hard to see how one could ignore such funny/strange/amazing things.

We talked for about 3 hours, and at the end of it the only thing that was clear to me is that I just don't wanna even try to do this anymore if he's not around. And he wasn't promising anything more than he always has. Friends, f**K-buddies. Whatever. I came home alone, and all I could see was that I want to be with him, seriously, permanently. And that that is just not going to happen, but in the meanwhile I will do wahtever I have to just to pretend that maybe it could, so that I can keep on dreaming and hoping.

Did my level best to flatten that, later that night. Sent him a mail saying I can't be friends, and that I see only two options. Stay home or stay here. Roughly. Told him I'd like an answer by next weekend, either way. And started a serious drinking weekend.

So about an hour ago, I came up with a brilliant simile, albeit with a 3rd in me already. This is like an abscess. It's gonna hurt a whole lot regardless. So if it gets drained, it hurts way more now, but ends up healing. Might not, either, might just stay infected, and keep hurting like hell, and end up killing me. So drinking right now hurts, and I cry a lot, but maybe it gets the pain out faster.

Who am I fucking kidding. This is like trying to squeeze your lungs out via your throat, and then being surprised that breathing is difficult.

Never going to stop hurting, never gonna be easier once they're gone..,.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

dual post...

- for jcatblog and the dudeblog, so maybe shorter on specific detail, but - really - all that has happened in the last three weeks has been dude-centered. So what's to say?

We were on track for time away together, after a contact-deprived fortnight for one reason or another. First off was supposed to be our standard Sunday quickie, which fell through. OK, desperate, but OK.

He came over on Monday night, held me very close and told me that he had found out on the Sunday that his wife was 13 weeks pregnant. I froze. He held me tighter, and said that he had to tell me in person. And then we went to bed and made love as never before. I told him that - as I had said way before - kids change things, and that this would mean the end of everything between him and me.

Between a visit and mail on Tues, we sort of talked a bit, and I begged for the time away together as the requiem. Rather than the celebration it was planned as. He agreed. So after a lot of holding close, we went away on Monday.

Nightmare from the start. I was half terrified, half ecstatic, and so determined not to let my emotions stuff up the last time together. I didn't need to, because his wife did. Text messages every 10 or 15 minutes together, and when I eventually looked annoyed enough he offered to turn the sound off. I said it wasn't the sounds, but the fact that I really needed to have him be with me, just me, even if for a short time. He tried, but didn't make much difference - the frequency dropped by about 5 mins or so. And as he said, if he didn't respond it would be worse. I hated her so much that night. She has everything going for her - age, beauty, lifestyle. And him, above all, him. Add having his child to that, and the fact that I would be giving up my love to send him home for good...I needed him so much, just for a while.

The next day started off ok - apart from the messages. Then, through no choice, we were out of contact with the world for a while. A landline call at lunch said wife was nauseous. By 15h30, it was many messages from the MIL to say she had cramps. He asked if I would take him to wherever he could catch a bus, I said not to be silly - it would be way faster to drive, and without him there was no reason for me to be there. So we left, raced back, hardly spoke for most of the trip. I bought a pack of smokes after two days of not smoking at all. And I cried a lot. He bit his nails. After a while we both tried to talk shit, so that we could pretend that the world wasn't disintergrating.

She lost the baby a day later, at 14 weeks. I cannot concieve of how awful that is. For her. For him. I am tormented by how much I hated her on Monday, by how we were 5 hours away because of my dream, by how him being here would not have changed what happened but that he and I will never forgive ourselves for it anyway.

We have spoken briefly since. Today he said that no matter how bad this is, he cannot allow it to become his definition forever. And that he wants to come over tomorrow to talk. Originally he was supposed to visit to say goodbye and return each other's belongings. That was hard enough to face. Now? I don't know what he will need from me, but whatever it is, I have no option. I love him completely. If he needs to talk or love or ignore it, if he needs money or a timeout, if he needs me to rip my heart out and pretend for the next few days that we are all cool with life.. whatever he wants from me, I will be there to support him.

Afterwards? I don't know. I have to keep it together for as long as he needs me, and for long enough after that to distance him from the wreckage. For the last two weeks, I haven't been able to stop myself from visualising flames and walls and dying 'accidentally'. I cannot see anything past saying farewell to him, and I am way too old and ugly to believe something like this could happen again. Doesn't matter that I didn't expect it or even see it coming - it happened, and it has changed me irrevocably. And you know what? Being with him and loving him has ripped me apart three times in six months, it has cost me a small fortune, it has made me a deceitful, lying, conniving bitch in many ways. But even now, I cannot really say that i wish it had not happened. So it will most likely kill me, but if nothing else I can honestly say that I know what love is.

And it's worth it, really.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

forgot to mention

that I finally gave in and bought myself a Wii console, with the intention of getting the Wii Fit too. If they were available, that is. After many calls and enquiries, I am now on the waiting list for one. Which I might get in the next month, but no guarantees. I cannot believe that something like this is completely sold out in every damn store in town!

Well, until I tried the Sports game. I am hooked, obsessed and cannot wait for my Fit to get here! This is more fun than any kind of exercise except sex. So now I'm being semi good and alternating the stepper and the Wii. And I have my first Wiinjury too. From baseball I think, after I was soooo determinded to win a game that I smacked every ball with all my might - won the game, but now have a lame left bicep. Not that that has stopped me...just playing tennis and bowling instead!

Monday, August 4, 2008

consistency is key....

which basically means....a litle bit more of everything! I kinda like this. It's almost normal, I guess, as opposed to the long periods of gloom. Mood overall is still on the positive side. There are a few all over the scale days, but I'm managing to keep a hold on them somehow. Mostly by dude-thoughts, but also because I figure that life overall isn't always positive.

It's one of the scariest things about MDD etc, that it becomes so much of a question over every day. Yeah, so today (theoretically) was crap - but is it just because sometimes crap days happen? Or is there a good reason for feeling crap today? Or is this the start of another bad one.... Doubt everything. Don't trust happiness in case it's delusional. Don't allow sadness in case it's the beginning of a plunge. Don't cry in movies in case you can't stop. Don't laugh too much because the gods might notice. Don't, don't, don't.

I figure the last three weeks are still in balance though. Big scare with my mom, big unhappiness with work, big joy with the dude. Good bird stuff, and some bad. Lots of running around arranging things. Way too much socialising with old-buddy, who, TG, has now gone back to Oz - I couldn't have coped with much more! For someone who has just hit the big 6-0, she is still impossible. Complains bitterly about being dragged home at 04h00 by 'party-pooping faders' i.e. me, and then charms me into doing it all over again a couple of nights later. It was so good to see her though, because our friendship really doesn't thrive without personal contact.

It was good to spend time with my folks, although it wasn't a great reason for doing it. I am reminded all over again that my dad is almost 75, my mom almost 70, and that they aren't indestructable. But I am still nowhere near ready to not have them around, and somehow I don't think I will ever be. It's different in a way it seems, if you have your own kids, and make the leap from being the child to being the parent. Lately I've seen a whole lot of views from both sides of the table, and it doesn't matter how old one is or how much one has achieved...that switch is the key. OK, so Britney is not gonna get there ever, but I guess there have to be exceptions!

The dude. It's almost hard to believe that the huge bust-up was only about 5 weeks ago, because so much has changed since then. The basics are still there - enormously physical relationship which appears to be very satisfactory for both of us, lots of fun whatever we do. From my side I'm not trying to play cool anymore, and - in his own way - doesn't seem like he is either. Well yeah, he's just not going to ever be the kind of guy who cries in movies, but he really doesn't mind showing the soft bits. What I like at the moment is that he is dropping the ultra-easygoing facade bit by bit, and - even on minor things - telling me what he'd prefer. Telling me when he is not in a brilliant mood and why, rather than giving out tiny clues for hours. Small things, mostly, but for someone who has spent years perfecting the self-contained fortress, every small thing is a very vulnerable spot. He was awesome with the whole upset over my mom - spent time with me on Weds, called on Thu at exactly the time he knew I'd be on my way to the airport, called twice on Fri and sent sms's while I was sitting with her, and called again on Sat as I was boarding my flight back. Nothing intrusive, nothing unusual said - just enough support though, so that I felt good, felt that he was thinking about me and that he cared. It really makes a difference. To everything...