hurting

earlier today I was doing the birdy cleaning up, and looked at the container readying itself to go the glass recycling dump up the road. Large number of vodka bottles for the last two weeks, since the dude-baby was first mentioned.

On Friday we met, had coffee, talked a bit and went to see a funny movie. The movie, and everything else for the day was made even better because of his comments. He picks up on things that are awesomely funny, but would be missed if he didn't highlight them. Same for the rest of life with him - it would fly beneath the radar if he didn't highlight things, and then it's hard to see how one could ignore such funny/strange/amazing things.

We talked for about 3 hours, and at the end of it the only thing that was clear to me is that I just don't wanna even try to do this anymore if he's not around. And he wasn't promising anything more than he always has. Friends, f**K-buddies. Whatever. I came home alone, and all I could see was that I want to be with him, seriously, permanently. And that that is just not going to happen, but in the meanwhile I will do wahtever I have to just to pretend that maybe it could, so that I can keep on dreaming and hoping.

Did my level best to flatten that, later that night. Sent him a mail saying I can't be friends, and that I see only two options. Stay home or stay here. Roughly. Told him I'd like an answer by next weekend, either way. And started a serious drinking weekend.

So about an hour ago, I came up with a brilliant simile, albeit with a 3rd in me already. This is like an abscess. It's gonna hurt a whole lot regardless. So if it gets drained, it hurts way more now, but ends up healing. Might not, either, might just stay infected, and keep hurting like hell, and end up killing me. So drinking right now hurts, and I cry a lot, but maybe it gets the pain out faster.

Who am I fucking kidding. This is like trying to squeeze your lungs out via your throat, and then being surprised that breathing is difficult.

Never going to stop hurting, never gonna be easier once they're gone..,.