Sunday, June 14, 2009

what i need

- my mom asked a couple of weeks ago what I would like for a birthday present. I said that there was nothing I really need, and that a donation to the rehab centre or to CLAW would be good. We spoke earlier this evening, and she said again that she wants a present idea, that they donate to charity and people often anyway.

I couldn't think of anything, but promised that I would try. It came to me just now, as I reread Pat Conroy's book 'Beach Music', and the characters are talking about the nature of love. Jack is so scared that his own inabilities will come back to haunt his child as she grows. I have none of that in my life; my family and friends have always loved openly. I have always known what love is. My failures are mine alone.

Forgiveness, mommy-bear. Think that is what I will need as a gift this year. God knows that I can't forgive myself for loving someone the way I love the dude. Not wisely, not well, but overwhelmingly.

A life without love is not a life that is worth enduring.....

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

not yet

have so far failed completely at my not-likely-anyway wish that I would die of swine flu, and failed equally at dying of shame and pain over the dude's behaviour.

But! Not too late! Still another chance! Yes..worlds dumbest ugliest loser chick is somehow still seeing the dude. And worst of all, still loving the dude. So when the next hurting discovery comes, it could be the one where I just lay down and stop breathing. If only I pray hard enough in the meantime....

I have always felt sympathy for people tied to toxic relationships by economics, or lack of awareness, or even by their own stupidity. I have never seen myself becoming part of that group, but for the past year it seems that I am. In this case, I am trapped by love, and it seems that cheating, lying, spoiling most of my semi-celebrations, the aloneness for nights and holidays... none of it stops me from loving him anyway. Every day of those marks a new level of internal degredation and hatred for myself.

And I still can't walk away...

Sunday, June 7, 2009

zombie time

- as if the whole dude-crisis wasn't enough to nail me this week, I started coughing yesterday, and woke up every hour or so last night. Chills and fever, coughing and blocked sinuses...

God if I am lucky it will be swine flu and it will be fatal :-(