Tuesday, June 9, 2009

not yet

have so far failed completely at my not-likely-anyway wish that I would die of swine flu, and failed equally at dying of shame and pain over the dude's behaviour.

But! Not too late! Still another chance! Yes..worlds dumbest ugliest loser chick is somehow still seeing the dude. And worst of all, still loving the dude. So when the next hurting discovery comes, it could be the one where I just lay down and stop breathing. If only I pray hard enough in the meantime....

I have always felt sympathy for people tied to toxic relationships by economics, or lack of awareness, or even by their own stupidity. I have never seen myself becoming part of that group, but for the past year it seems that I am. In this case, I am trapped by love, and it seems that cheating, lying, spoiling most of my semi-celebrations, the aloneness for nights and holidays... none of it stops me from loving him anyway. Every day of those marks a new level of internal degredation and hatred for myself.

And I still can't walk away...

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