Sunday, June 14, 2009

what i need

- my mom asked a couple of weeks ago what I would like for a birthday present. I said that there was nothing I really need, and that a donation to the rehab centre or to CLAW would be good. We spoke earlier this evening, and she said again that she wants a present idea, that they donate to charity and people often anyway.

I couldn't think of anything, but promised that I would try. It came to me just now, as I reread Pat Conroy's book 'Beach Music', and the characters are talking about the nature of love. Jack is so scared that his own inabilities will come back to haunt his child as she grows. I have none of that in my life; my family and friends have always loved openly. I have always known what love is. My failures are mine alone.

Forgiveness, mommy-bear. Think that is what I will need as a gift this year. God knows that I can't forgive myself for loving someone the way I love the dude. Not wisely, not well, but overwhelmingly.

A life without love is not a life that is worth enduring.....


Aqua said...

hi jcat,
I SO agree. I know I love my family, but I am not sure I have ever really loved anyone romantically. I think I am feeling it with my bf now, but I am terrified it will be fleeting like all the others.

Happy Birthday...I just celebrated mine and I always say no gifts. I really don't need anything and there are so many others who need the basic things like food, clothing, shelter.

Hugs and love,

Mad Cat Lady said...

Hello, was it yourself who said you liked Anne McCaffery? I have only just found the books during a clean up. The large picture book is A Diversity of Dragons; There is Dragonholder which is "The Life and Dreams (So Far) of Anne McCaffrey by her son Todd and a little book called If Wishes were Horses. - if you still want them :)