Monday, August 4, 2008

consistency is key....

which basically means....a litle bit more of everything! I kinda like this. It's almost normal, I guess, as opposed to the long periods of gloom. Mood overall is still on the positive side. There are a few all over the scale days, but I'm managing to keep a hold on them somehow. Mostly by dude-thoughts, but also because I figure that life overall isn't always positive.

It's one of the scariest things about MDD etc, that it becomes so much of a question over every day. Yeah, so today (theoretically) was crap - but is it just because sometimes crap days happen? Or is there a good reason for feeling crap today? Or is this the start of another bad one.... Doubt everything. Don't trust happiness in case it's delusional. Don't allow sadness in case it's the beginning of a plunge. Don't cry in movies in case you can't stop. Don't laugh too much because the gods might notice. Don't, don't, don't.

I figure the last three weeks are still in balance though. Big scare with my mom, big unhappiness with work, big joy with the dude. Good bird stuff, and some bad. Lots of running around arranging things. Way too much socialising with old-buddy, who, TG, has now gone back to Oz - I couldn't have coped with much more! For someone who has just hit the big 6-0, she is still impossible. Complains bitterly about being dragged home at 04h00 by 'party-pooping faders' i.e. me, and then charms me into doing it all over again a couple of nights later. It was so good to see her though, because our friendship really doesn't thrive without personal contact.

It was good to spend time with my folks, although it wasn't a great reason for doing it. I am reminded all over again that my dad is almost 75, my mom almost 70, and that they aren't indestructable. But I am still nowhere near ready to not have them around, and somehow I don't think I will ever be. It's different in a way it seems, if you have your own kids, and make the leap from being the child to being the parent. Lately I've seen a whole lot of views from both sides of the table, and it doesn't matter how old one is or how much one has achieved...that switch is the key. OK, so Britney is not gonna get there ever, but I guess there have to be exceptions!

The dude. It's almost hard to believe that the huge bust-up was only about 5 weeks ago, because so much has changed since then. The basics are still there - enormously physical relationship which appears to be very satisfactory for both of us, lots of fun whatever we do. From my side I'm not trying to play cool anymore, and - in his own way - doesn't seem like he is either. Well yeah, he's just not going to ever be the kind of guy who cries in movies, but he really doesn't mind showing the soft bits. What I like at the moment is that he is dropping the ultra-easygoing facade bit by bit, and - even on minor things - telling me what he'd prefer. Telling me when he is not in a brilliant mood and why, rather than giving out tiny clues for hours. Small things, mostly, but for someone who has spent years perfecting the self-contained fortress, every small thing is a very vulnerable spot. He was awesome with the whole upset over my mom - spent time with me on Weds, called on Thu at exactly the time he knew I'd be on my way to the airport, called twice on Fri and sent sms's while I was sitting with her, and called again on Sat as I was boarding my flight back. Nothing intrusive, nothing unusual said - just enough support though, so that I felt good, felt that he was thinking about me and that he cared. It really makes a difference. To everything...

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