Friday, February 29, 2008

never ignore the deepest darkest voices

from the bits of your soul that you'd like to pretend don't exist. They're there for a reason - to remind you of things that you shouldn't ever forget.

In this case? The one that kept telling me that I am too much of a nasty stuffed-up bitch to take chances with other people's lives. And that it is safer for both them and me just to not get too involved.

Long story, and one I am too confused about to go into.... suffice it to say that PT dude came over this afternoon, really tense about something. And I figured that I could know better, and find a way to relax him a bit. Didn't work. I have spent the last seven hours crying, wishing that I could send him a text message to apologise, knowing that I can't.

Apart from feeling like the worst kind of manipulative bitch, I am raw and hurting myself. Two weeks today. I knew that this whole thing was going to stir up issues for me apart from anything connected to PT dude himself, and it's sure as shit doing that really well. Or really badly...probably a better way of phrasing it. And knowing that this is only ever going to be a micro-subset of a relationship doesn't stop it from really getting its hooks in deep. I asked pdoc today why he had thought it so unsurprising that the whole thing had happened - he phrased it a bit better, but...inevitable given that I am a miserable, lonely, sex-deprived old cow, confronted with a strangely intimate relationship with a fit, virile man. Can't even say ouch, because it's pretty much true.

All I can wish for tonight is that he still comes tomorrow to train, that I have the guts to apologise without starting to cry, that he is generous enough to accept an apology. And maybe that he will be kind enough to just hold me for a bit. No expectations....

1 comment:

Aqua said...

I feel for you. It sounds like a tough space to be in, both emotionally and all the emotions a physical relationship conjures up.

All I know is you are an incredible and caring soul and that is what matters. Please know that. Sending you warm white light and hugs from 1/2 way around the world,