aching everything

Have been increasing the Eldepryl dosage every Sunday, which is fairly fast, but as long as the side-effects are minimal - and the result is zero - it's better than farting around at every dose for weeks. Can't do that anyway; I have already exhausted all the patience and optimism I can summon up, and only way I can hang in is by believing that maybe this week we'll hit the magic level. And by keeping on fooling myself with that week after eternal week.

So the only noticable side-effect of the Eldepryl is sore back and thigh muscles, and they hurt with renewed vigour every Monday. Yesterday's walk was torture, so PT dude decided that I needed a massage today - I'm never going to say no to that. I forget though how strong his hands are, and how expert he is at digging right into the muscles, and how damn sore it is. It's another one of those things that I know is good for me in the long run. Just sometimes though, I wish that I could do something apart from drinking that actually feels good right here and now.

And, of course, the other drawback is that extended celibacy doesn't suit me much anyway, and taking most of my clothes off for close contact with him doesn't really help either. I'm not in the least bit attracted to him, and it's completely workman-like and asensual, and I've never been turned on by pain anyway.... but still. This is more physical contact than I have had with a man in a long, long time, and it's leaving me uncomfortably horny afterwards. Goes without saying that the one common side-effect of the anti-depressants that I could easily cope with - the whole loss of interest in sex bit - is another one that I'm just not having. Think I should have a cold shower before bed....