no wheels left

after the past few days, not just coming off any more. Just don't see things going anywhere good, and so, so tired of the way they are. I wake up, and before I even get out of bed, I am exhausted. Mostly I am crying because even a day with nothing planned just needs more energy than I have. I drag myself through it and spend most of the time being the fake smiley talkative persona that allows me to slide under the radar with almost everyone. Only four people in the world that I don't have to fake it for, and two of them get paid for enduring me. And then I stay up half the night crying, because going to sleep just signs off on yet another day of being a failure.

Saw pdoc today, and told him I want to come off most of the meds because they just don't have any positive effect - he didn't seem too surprised by the decision. Keep the Inderal, although even with it I am way tense and anxious, and far too close to losing my temper most of the time. And keep the sedative or I'd never be able to make myself sleep at night. Weird... sleeping during the day is so much easier. Everything else has been in long enough to demonstrate a complete lack of benefit, and I figure the Eldepryl is causing my feet to look and feel like basketballs for the past few days. Pdoc figures I might as well start wash-out anyway, because next med that he wants to try is back to the TCAs, and even for him, adding that to a MAOI and Remeron would be risky. I figure wash-out can't make things any worse than they are already.