Tuesday, July 31, 2007

rewind...play yesterday over again...

...cos today was just as bad. Spoke to most of the people who I couldn't get hold of yesterday, but not much satisfying in it. Will have to go to the bank tomorrow and see how deep in the mud I am, seeing as I'll probably only get paid on Thu or Fri. Good bit though is that my after-tax income is roughly twice what I ever earned working fulltime, and about 3.5 times my normal salary since. So, rose quartz will be available for me to put in garden, will be able to redo kitchen for housekeeper, as well as having given her a double check and another year of pension contributions, seeing as she started working part-time for me 10 years ago sometime in July. And I can afford vet bills for what is rapidly becoming my most expensive animal/kg - my rescue boy. He now weighs 14.15 kg - up from 12.3 when he came home with me. But half my debit orders will probably have bounced by the time I get this huge sum. Most of problem was that asshole boss only sent in timesheet yesterday, I think - more than a week late. He muttered very indistinctly about when he sent it off.

More fighting over who should be doing the work I'm asking to have done, and mud slinging and office politics. All in all, just such fun. Ex-boss once told me that the reason he didn't take me back as a contractor was because I was leaving for good cause, and he knew that if I contracted I'd be knee deep in it again. I've managed to avoid it until the last four months, and now I'm just getting dragged in. Problem is I have always been a solo player - my databases are MY databases - and I have to either stay right out, or my arrogance takes over again, and we're right back at it. The arrogance is semi-justified because I'm a really good DBA, but it's let down by my huge personality defects. And now by the fact that I can't handle ongoing tension. I've been sick every night this week, seems like it doesn't matter what I do or don't eat or drink - the knot in my stomach just keeps tightening up until I puke. Trying to wait on taking meds until after that - trainspotting is so not my idea of fun.

Sent p-doc a mail just now, saying please could he think of something else for us to try before thurs, cos this lot ain't doing it. He almost never replies to mail, so not expecting an answer, but maybe he'll come up with some magic by the appt.

Times like this are when I most miss a relationship. Would be so, so good to curl up against someone, know that he would hold me and warm me, and sleep that way. Ha ha. Even if there was a man around, it would take eternity before I could trust him to be there after a night of me fighting dragons and snoring, not to mention the way my hair stands out oh so beautifully after a night of wriggling around. I sleep ugly, really ugly. Reflection of the rest of me, I guess.

Ah shit, bed, before the lure of the megastash and the vodka bottle gets too great. I am listening to the mixes I made of all my sad and beautiful songs that I made from my CDs after I loaded them to the PC. As a group, they're 'the last cd's: jcat mix #1 -4', and it's all songs that would be ok to just drift out to - some harsher than others, so there's something for just about however it ends up being. Tonight is mostly some local Afrikaans music, and now onto Neil Young, especially 'Star of Bethlehem' and 'Old Man'. Also a good idea to hit bed before I get to the 'Hello darkness my old friend' and 'Dance me to the end of love', and the chunk of Fairport Convention songs that are coming up. Alexandra Denny's voice is enough to make you cry at its sheer beauty...never mind when the songs are sad to begin with.

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