Thursday, December 6, 2007

poster-child for idiocy....

...or I would be if that wasn't a not-very-PC image.

Ended up having to go to yesterday's meeting - boss told me he expected me there. Then he made me sit next to him, which I think was so that he could kick me under the table if I got too irate. Only concrete actions were that I will monitor program usage, and re-send out all the reports that I worked my butt off to produce from June to August, and that no-one has done a damn thing with since. And probably won't do anything with now either. Absolute waste of everything. Then again, I bill them punitively, so apart from actually doing lots of work over the next weeks, I will bill them even harder. Pays to support a lot of little animals, if nothing else.

And today was last appt for the year with p-doc. He thought coffin pin-up calendar was funny, but says he doesn't think he should put it up in his office - not that that was the intention, anyway. After which I screwed up most of the appt by just sitting and crying uselessly. So much so that I can't even remember any of the interesting new articles that he mentioned. I really am an asshole most of the time. He's kind of insisting that I see rooms-partner weekly while he is away, especially given that he is changing meds to something a bit experimental. And that I didn't hand over med-collection either. No point. It's not as if keeping it makes me more -or less - suicidal; just that when I eventually stop dragging this out, at least the method will be more certain. Given that one of the things I'm still all girly about is not being messy. And that I have such a low pain-tolerance anyway that I need to know that it won't hurt too much either. Rules out guns and car-crashes and trains and ropes, and a few more besides. Not like I'd be able to walk in with the hosepipes either, and that would be the prime means anyway.

End of baby bird season. Have to see this one through. Too many little pigeons until then....

1 comment:

Aqua said...

Hi Jcat,
Waht meds is your pdoc experimenting with? Just curious. My pdoc is really open to experimenting...thus the heart medication added to my try to help me with alcohol withdrawal symptoms and agitation, heart racing and the tics I have developed re: the Prozac.

I hope you will reach out to me if you are feeling suicidal. I think I understand those thoughts and feelings as I have them all the time...although Tegretol helped after I was on it for a few months. They are brutal.

I always dismissed the carbon monoxide method because of the risk of brain damage if I failed. The last thing I need is to be depressed and have more brain damage than I already have.
Please stay safe.