Tuesday, April 8, 2008

so stupid...so sweet

I still don't really understand what's happening. Chicken or the egg? Did the Tofranil work because I was getting involved with the dude. Or did it move from just being excellent sex to kind of being in love because the Tofranil was making me feel so much more alive. Guess the only way to find out would be to take one of them away, and I'm not going to do that until it's absolutely unavoidable.

He is unreadable, unknowable, and sometimes quite strange. He is completely unlike anyone I have ever known before, and even more unlike anyone that I have ever been attracted to. He is nothing that I have ever wanted in the past ... and everything that I want right now. It is completely unworkable, yet it seems to just happen so easily. There can't be any future but I would live in this moment for ever if I could. I cry a lot at the moment even though I am so overwhelmingly happy almost all the time. And ultimately I know that this is going to hurt me more than anything I have let happen in the last 15 years, but I wouldn't undo a single moment of what has happened so far.

Shit. Getting old is way more confusing than being a teenager. At least then you could still hope that you'd grow out of feeling like this....

1 comment:

BPD in OKC said...

Man I completely agree with your last paragraph. I had really hard teen years, and I always believed that when I "grew up" I'd grow out of it. Now that I'm entering my late 20s, I still feel just as out of place, depressed, and manic, all at once. My mom is in her late 40s, and I don't think she's any better off than I am. I don't think things get any better or worse as you get older, you just start facing different problems. I have really grown to believe that life is hard at any age.