yay. holiday. bah f-ing humbug.

so if the title doen't give you the idea that I am not particularly looking forward to the impending vacation, let me just expand. I. DO NOT. WANT. AT ALL. to go away tomorrow morning for two weeks. There just hasn't been enough prep time, enough laid-back go get forex/make birdie arrangements/sort out household stuff/sort out work/sort out entire f-ing life before taking two weeks away with - as far as I can see - no comms whatsoever. No cell phone, no email, no net, And with someone who has rapidly progressed from being my best friend and ideal holiday-partner to the person I am most likely to drown while we scuba-dive around beautiful coral reefs. Seriously.

Tdoc was the one who kicked my butt into planning at this. At the time, I had no desire to do it either, but figured it would theoretically be a good thing, and planned it around IT-work and rehab-work and last couple of weeks of summer etc etc. And what I was most scared of was two whole weeks with no pdoc, no tdoc and no household routine.

Since then, routine has gone for a ball of chalk anyway, have recollected that pigeons breed all year round so there is never a good time to be gone from a birdie POV, and re-re-re-understood that from an IT work perspective, DBAs should never sleep or do anything that might reduce the 24/7/365 availability - never mind a two week break.

The mood has been good enough that the lack of therapeutic contact was almost ok - until the last few stressful days of organising - but what I hadn't known then was that by now I would be head-over-heels way deep in a pointless futureless romantic entanglement. Which, regardless of future options, I really really don't want to leave for an entire two weeks right now. The very small sensible voice says that just the not wanting to be away from him concept should be making me run for the borders. That small voice though is completely overwhelmed by the rest of me.

And added to that is the really bad circumstancial stuff that has meant a serious lack of bed-time the past two weeks. Affection yes, rampant sex....no. I was really depending on at least today for a bit, and after an entirely frustrating and time-wasting arbitrary day where I ended up crying at least once an hour because of no-brain, idiotic lack of cooperation from the gods, that was stuffed up at the last hurdle. FFFUUUUUCCCCKKK. Or not, I guess...

Been crying for the last 7.5 hours, since a very curtailed and way too un-physical contact. Knowing that it is totally stupid and pointless doesn't mean dipshit to the 15-year-old hormones that are raging around my body at the moment. Shit. Don't think I ever even felt this deprived and victimised when I was 15.



"Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round
Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears
Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by
Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes
Turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart
Turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart
And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart
Turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart
Turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart
And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do, I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart
A total eclipse of the heart

Bonnie Tyler (1983) 'total eclipse of the heart'