long weeks

OK, so in explanation of the previous post, the main reason for the exceedingly miserable weekend was that the dude was seriously ill. He'd been complaining for ages about feeling nauseous and no appetite etc, so on the Tues I pushed him to see a doctor. Which for dude-types is anathema; they really don't like admitting to illness. He spoke to the doc he works for the next day, doc took blood for tests, test results were scary enough that doc arranged for him to see a specialist the next day. Specialist was alarmed enough to admit him to hospital on Friday, and do some laser surgery on strange bits of stomach and colon.

Needless, to say, we didn't get to see each other, never mind celebrate on Friday or over the weekend. What made me even more mis was that he sent a couple of text messages, none of which included any reference to either 'anniversary' or 'valentine', even when reminded. Sometimes he takes the non-soppiness too far...

Worst bit, I guess, is being reminded that as well as missing out on so many of the special days, when there is a problem, I have to sit at home and wait - I can't be with him, I can't call, I can't do anything. That is worse than being alone on New Years Eve. And that, I think might be the catalyst for me ending this again and more definitely - it's what I've been thinking about all week.

happy valentine's day

So. F-ing. Not.

and as a bonus, it should have been the only date on which we could have celebrated some kind of anniversary. Seeing as we have never gotten to the going out officially, the living together, the engaged, or gasp, the getting married...stages.

whatever.

home - and awake - at last

So, a chaos week before going away. A really crap start to the holiday, with cancelled flights and British Airways making serious fools of themselves by the way they handled the whole problem, and eventually, a good flight with Virgin.

Got to Denver a day late, but my buddy there had rearranged life so that we still got to do all that we planned. Including a rodeo, combined with a stock show, which was awesome. Some incredible horseriding, some really cute cows! And then it was off to the mountains, with me wearing shorts and a tshirt cos it just wasn't cold enough for anything more. Could have made an interesting pic - me at the edge of the skislope with sandals on, if only I had remembered to take it. The skiing was awesome, albeit painful. All round I am not fit enough, and specifically, my knees definately aren't! But I loved it anyway, and wished I could have been there longer.

After that, it was back across the globe to stay with my aunt in Germany for a few days. I'm not quite sure why that was mandatory, but my mom seemed keen that I went, and it was a good visit too. Except for an overdose of castles and cathedrals... yeah, I know, they are impressive, but I am as impressed by seeing them for two minutes as I am ever going to be - after an hour or two, most of what I feel is an intense desire to bomb the places so that I can go have coffee somewhere! I am so not a good tourist...

Highlight of the trip was getting four (!!) mails from the dude, with a confession that he 'missed me a bit' - this is the dude equivalent of an entire book of sonnets, I guess, and was much appreciated. And a suitably passionate welcome home, this week. The animals survived, most of the birds did too, I'm uninjured, still employed, still vaguely sane. And even more in love than before. I missed him incredibly. There were so many things that he would have enjoyed, and that I wished I could share with him. I left my vehicle with him so that he could spend some time working on his - instead, he fixed a whole bunch of things for me, things that needed to be done but weren't urgent, and that took time and effort on his part. Next week will make it a year of physical stuff, and almost as much of loving him. I am still so ambivalent about it all - in a way, I was hoping to find out that I could spend time away without thinking about him constantly. That didn't happen, I guess, so it's back to the bit about enjoying it while it lasts. And I am...