i just don't learn from the past mistakes i've made..

...subtitled : confusion runs rampant, again...

- needless to say, it's the dude. We had long text conversations yesterday, which basically boiled down to:
1. me wanting to know what I do wrong
2. him saying that I am an amazing person in a whole bunch of ways
3. me asking why we are in the same position again
4. him saying that it's not my fault
5. me saying it must be, otherwise we'd be together and happy
6. him saying that he wishes he could give me what I need
7. me asking what is wrong with me that he can wish that but not do it
8. him saying that he cares about me a lot, but that he just doesn't love me
9. agreement that it's better that we be completely honest, even tho it hurts...

- ok, so I'm bipolar, and more on the depressive side of that. But there are very few people in RL who know that, or who ever see any of it. And in the time that I've known him - and also because of him - it's been really well managed. He doesn't see the miserable bits, because mostly they happen when/because he isn't here, and I go to a lot of effort to hide it. This blog is the raw bits, the bits my tdoc knows - apart from that, the most that people generally know is that I have had major depressive episodes, and am OK now. Some people know that I still get seriously down, but none of them ever see anything of it, apart from not seeing me for a short while - and I always have enough reasons that everyone thinks I am hectically busy with everyone else.

- but there is something worse that is wrong with me. There has to be. He says that he loves spending time with me, that he loves chatting to me because we can talk about absolutely everything and it is always interesting to him, that he still finds me very attractive physically (which is one thing that amazes me but that I know is true. He knew exactly how fat I was before we ever had sex, as in, he'd measured every damn inch of me, and he still wanted to do it. Even now, after 14 months of making love, when I'd have figured that the newness was well gone, his body still makes it obvious that he really wants me) and it is still always good for both of us. But with all that in favour, he doesn't love me. Not even enough to want to try anything more serious. There has to be something so awfully wrong with me...

- he wanted to visit today. I agreed, because I'd rather we part on good terms. The whole day was surreal, because it was just so good and so comfortable, for both of us. We even got round to a bit of bedroom action in spite of the fact that he'd pulled a muscle running sprints and was in obvious pain. And now I'm wondering whether I should just settle for what there is between us, even knowing that that is all there will ever be. If I keep seeing him, I am never going to stop loving him, I am never going to be able to look at anyone else, and (it's already borderline) the longer I see him the less chance there is of being with someone long enough and soon enough to think about a child. And I really want to parent one, with him.

- how does one know when not enough is more than one will ever have otherwise?