over. i think. again...........

so on saturday night someone anon sent the dude's wife an sms, saying, apparently (seeing as he didn't get to read the whole thing before she deleted it, and neither did I) a whole lot of stuff about she should grow up and get a job etc, as well as that he had been having an affair for two years with someone who fetched him at the local shop in (my car type).

I was really taken aback by that, not only that someone would send a half-assed message like that, but also by the thought that someone I don't know has been watching him, and therefore me. All he was worried bout was poor little wife, and how untrue it is because she has a job. Yeah right. She works in some kind of pretend thing for her mother, and doesn't earn enough to pay any of their bills. And that I know, because I have been paying most of them, including doing the grocery shopping with him for the last 5 months.

We sat in my car for an hour or so talking, instead of the normal sunday morning in bed bit, then he wanted to go look at TVs. His is broken, and I gather wifey can't survive without being able to watch the kids cartoons. Seeing as he hasn't returned the last money that was distinctly a loan not a gift because I really don't have it spare this month, and seeing as I paid the rent, health insurance, groceries, fuel and car stuff already, I've been kind of deaf to the TV stuff.

And then I came home, alone, for a change. And thought about all sorts of things, including that he really didn't seem to give a damn about how I might feel about any of the crap that could result from what happened. And sent him an email that is about as nasty as I can ever get to him. Like, not very much, compared to what I should probably be saying.

Only sensible thing in it was telling him not to contact me at all unless he has his suitcases and some intent to commit along with him. Haven't heard anything since, not that I really expected to. Guess he is at home telling wifey that I changed overnight from being Santa fucking Claus with an excess of gifts to the dragon. And that he has no idea on earth why......

And me? I lie on the couch with my eyes closed and count backwards from 1000 in the hope that it will stop me from missing the part of me that I just ripped out without anaesthetic, and that I will sleep for a few hours to stop me from thinking of him all day. When that doesn't work, I get up, drink my allowed (by me) 1/2 bottle of vodka, cry a lot, take 3x the amount of sleeping pill that I have taken in the last 3years, cry for another hour or two, and then the combo finally knocks me out for a couple of hours.

I wake up crying in the dark of midnight