Wednesday, January 31, 2007

whose life is it anyway

I don't want to do this anymore. This has been two years of breathing without living, and I am just so tired of it. Nothing seems to work anymore, and having the best family, p-doc, t-doc, job....just makes me feel worse. All the resources that are being wasted on me could be given instead to someone who can use them properly.

I am so scared of trying and failing. And so scared of succeeding as well. My most persistent personal belief is that there is nothing after death, that the spirit dies when the body does. But when I'm trying to accept the horrible things that the world does to good people, and to animals, often the only way I can come to terms with it is by believing in reincarnation - that the good and the bad that you do in one life will determine some of what happens in the next one. And if this is really true, then I guess that taking a privileged upbringing, a loving and supportive family, some very good friends, and the best mental health resources in the world.... and wasting them through suicide - can't see that that would give me any brownie points for the next time round.

As with just about everything in bipolar... we vacillate between extremes. Just wish that I could have a while at the other emotional extreme. Depression sucks. Two year old depression sucks even more. Every different therapy, every different drug - I keep believing that maybe this will be the one. But they never are, are they. All just bricks in a pointless wall.

I have the pool hose, the meds (as backup, to ensure that I'm flattened and comatose before the CO does it's job), the vehicle, the location. Only thing that isn't decided yet is the date.

Maybe the Nardil will be the one that works?


Fat Doctor said...

Uhm, jcat, I just stopped by to tell you that I'm not going on hiatus, just limiting myself to one hour on blogger a day writing/reading. Then I find this post and I'm just a bit worried about you...

Do you need help right now?
Do you have friends/family near you can call?
Do you know a suicide hotline number?

Please let me know you're OK. That's a weird way for me to introduce myself one-on-one, but I'm very concerned about you right now.

Peg said...

Hi Jcat,
I found your blog via FD. Let me introduce myself. My name is Peggy, I am a 43 y/o wife, mother who recently returned to college to finish my degree and then hopefully get into medical school. I live in the state of Wisconsin in the United States. Please don't give up on yourself you sound like a wonderful person. I too am concerned about you. If you need someone to talk to or at least email with, please email me.
My email addy is
I would love to hear from you.
I was reading your post from today about going to the desert to help the meerkats. It sounds fascinating. You will do fine, look at it as an adventure and a way to learn and grow. Doing something you think is too difficult and succeeding, such as you will, will in the end, make you feel better. Now I am not saying that doing this one thing that makes you feel better will make everything perfect, but in time the more you do that is positive and lifts you will add up and hopefully lessen your pain. I am going to add your blog to my favorites and check in again very soon. I am a blog readeroholic so you can be sure I will be back.
Hope to talk to you soon.