I don't want to do this anymore. This has been two years of breathing without living, and I am just so tired of it. Nothing seems to work anymore, and having the best family, p-doc, t-doc, job....just makes me feel worse. All the resources that are being wasted on me could be given instead to someone who can use them properly.
I am so scared of trying and failing. And so scared of succeeding as well. My most persistent personal belief is that there is nothing after death, that the spirit dies when the body does. But when I'm trying to accept the horrible things that the world does to good people, and to animals, often the only way I can come to terms with it is by believing in reincarnation - that the good and the bad that you do in one life will determine some of what happens in the next one. And if this is really true, then I guess that taking a privileged upbringing, a loving and supportive family, some very good friends, and the best mental health resources in the world.... and wasting them through suicide - can't see that that would give me any brownie points for the next time round.
As with just about everything in bipolar... we vacillate between extremes. Just wish that I could have a while at the other emotional extreme. Depression sucks. Two year old depression sucks even more. Every different therapy, every different drug - I keep believing that maybe this will be the one. But they never are, are they. All just bricks in a pointless wall.
I have the pool hose, the meds (as backup, to ensure that I'm flattened and comatose before the CO does it's job), the vehicle, the location. Only thing that isn't decided yet is the date.
Maybe the Nardil will be the one that works?