Thursday, February 22, 2007

bad thursday....... naughty thursday! go to your room immediately! and no dessert either

Poor p-doc. I was crying before I even got to his rooms. And the whole way through the appointment. He's a medical only p-doc, by preference, but he usually does 30 min appts so that there's some talking and assessment. Even though he is always nice, I can still see that he's not that comfortable with howling witches in his office. And I've pretty much cried the whole day. P-doc reckons it might be from cutting down on the Cipralex, having taken out Ludiomil last week. What sucks is that if that's the case, then I really wish that either of them had shown a positive effect while I was taking lots of the stuff.

Meds... for the week. I'm tempted to add a 'meds for the day' sidebar, because they keep changing so often. I do take all of them for at least 3 weeks, but they generally overlap each other. So if I am stopping one, he'll taper it off at the same time as he starts something else. Sometimes he will put in one that he refers to as a holding drug, while he does a partial washout. So from tonight:
Cipralex : 3 for 4 days, then 2 for 2 days, then 1 for 2 days and then stop.
Leponex : up to 2 for 3 days, then 3 for 3 days, then 4.
Tertroxin : still 1 a day, but planning on it being in for at least a month.(How do I know these things, you ask? Easy. 'Cos he gave me a script for 30. which also gives me a clue about not taking those for the great escape - if he gives me that many, they can't be useful in OD...)
Quilonum : lithium. He reckons it will maybe kick the others up a bit.
Zopimed : sleeping tab. Up to 1.5 because I whinged so much about not being able to get to sleep at night, even with the Leponex. This is a sore point for him because he doesn't want to give me any at all until I have used up my stash, but he also knows that I can't/won't make myself use those on a daily basis, and he can see that I look and feel like shit, and I'm tired all day, and I am only getting my 9 hours or so if I sleep through the alarm.

And then in the middle of the howling bit, I said that I was so tired of existing like this that I would even consider ECT again. Same as with meds, sometimes it has worked, sometimes not. I don't like it because of the complete memory loss of 3 or 4 weeks after that. I'm fine in realtime, can remember everything from any other time, but what happens seems to just not get filed in memory. He looked very pleased with that, and have a strange feeling that he is going to schedule it for as soon as he can after he gets back from next weeks conference. Oh..and of course the other reason for not wanting it is that I don't particularly want him to see me in that charming hospital gown and cap. Which is really stupid of me. Especially if I've already been sitting in his office crying my heart out. And I cry really really ugly. Really. It's always been one of the reasons why I hate being upset in front of anyone. Not that I'm vain at really, not vain!

Rest of day...I paid my R2000 in speeding fines, and got my car's licence renewed, only 2 months late. Chased a goose with fishing line knotted around his legs but couldn't catch him. Tried to tell DB why I am annoyed without fighting, but failed. Selective interpretation. Annoyed her by what I said yesterday, so will delete that. If anyone ever reads this crap, please forget what you read yesterday. Came home and cried in between feeds. Only 17 birdlets tonight, as I dropped some off at the centre today. Would dearly love to go out for pizza and lots and lots of vodka, but no can do. Promised p-doc not to drink at all while on the Leponex, and standing BP was a bit high today. How ass backwards is this; my BP goes up by 10/20 when I stand up. Postural hypotension is supposed to work the other way. P-doc said he wasn't surprised by that...he still doubts that I'm actually human, not some alien life form sent to plague him.

So now that the Leponex are kicking in a bit, think I will declare today over. Only 20h45, but enough is enough already. Standard goodnight wish for myself - that the morning is either better or dead. Sleep tight for all us southern hemisphere types, and the rest of y'all (tx GG) have a good day.

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