raw

So after last weeks blow-up, things were a bit tense with the Duckbuddy, but I had thought we'd gotten through the bad patch. Especially since - ignoring everything I had said - she twisted my arm into coffee at her house. Her house as opposed to anywhere in the universe that I actually wanted to go.

The early evening conversation started with telling me that her husband had yelled at her for not eating supper, and she'd lied about having a big lunch. Last time she saw p-doc, he was threatening her with either dropping her as a patient, or sending her to a closed anorexia ward, which would also be dropping her, as she would be seeing the staff p-doc. He said basically the same things the time before. And the time before that.

I know these things because she told me. In detail. Not because of any other source.

Last night I said that she has to eat if she doesn't want to end up with those options. First reply was the "don't shout at me, I'm already stressed because of husband". Second was "how do you know what he thinks, have you been discussing me". A couple more messages getting really bitchy about me presuming to have any idea of either what is good for her, or specifically, me presuming to tell her what p-doc has/will said.

I know these things because she told me. In detail. Not because of any other source.

Last sms started off with "I want to end this friendship". followed by a few other choice remarks. I didn't reply.

I can fight many things to save a relationship. But I can't fight paranoia, and I can't fight self-centredness that results in whatever I say being ignored or dissected for evil intentions. And I can't fight those when they are coupled with the in between moments of complete dependence which is normally indicated by statements such as 'please don't hate me, everyone hates me, I am so unloved...' etc.

I am so lost and hurting at the moment already, and I don't have the resources to be strong for someone else instead of for myself. DB is a wonderful friend when she wants to be. But lately it doesn't seem as if she ever does want to be wonderful with me. Maybe I should try to be strong and wonderful to me instead.

Needless to say, I cried with p-doc for the whole appt, without mentioning the duckbuddy issue. Bit of a med shuffle around, finished with Cipralex. And now starting on Risperdal. He didn't mention ECT, and neither did I. BP is too high to start Nardil, but that is only possible next week after the SSRI washout is finished.

Saw t-doc a bit later, walked in crying, continued through whole session, walked out still crying. Told her about the messages and disagreements. She tried to help. Only problem is that if my reactions were reasonable, it then means that it is not what I've done that is to blame, it is what I am. A fat, ugly, horrible loser.

Achievement for the day: not killing any little birds, and dropping some of them back at the centre. Down to 9 needing hand-feeding, and the man who homed my mynahs is willing to have the feral pigeons as well. Will do a soft release there, where we gradually let them out more, and keep feeding. Gives them the choice of leaving when they feel ready to, and if not...I still have a couple of very recognisable birds that I released at home almost 5 months ago. Don't know where they sleep, but they come for afternoon tea every day.