Saturday, March 3, 2007

sleep and meds and sleep some more

Still need to get the times for the current meds right so that if I wanted to actually have a life I'd be able to. At the moment most of the day is spent either asleep or wanting to be.

The Leponex are supposed to be sedating, but don't do anything to me for about 4 hours at least, so I've been taking them as early in the evening as possible, once I don't have to go out again. Mostly at about 17h00. Taking the Quilonum and Risperdal at about 20h00. Then I wake up, and spend the next couple of hours wanting to sleep but not being able to. Eventually crash out. I know that dreams are waking me up a few times, but by morning they are gone. Morning is gone too, mostly. Can barely keep myself conscious till somewhere around ten, and after that, the rest of the day is sleepy but managable as long as I don't get anywhere near a comfy couch or bed. Taking morning meds just after I get out of bed, normally before 08h00 - I try for about 07h00, for the babies first feeds.

I don't have a shower in the house, and the idea of actually running a cold bath is just too offputting. The leap into the pool though is becoming a good alternative for the days when I know that lying in warmish water is going to be a guaranteed nap. My back garden is private, so the only ones who see me heading for the pool armed with shampoo and soap are the dogs. And the visiting pigeons, who line up on the roof to watch the spectacle! Actually, I guess they are just waiting for me to throw out the seed leftovers from the day before when I change the towels of the indoor cages.

No word from DB since her ending of the friendship on Weds night. I grieve for what we had. I'm not sure that I grieve much for what the relationship had become. In some ways I am relieved to not be permanently on the knife blade that I balanced on for the last couple of months, always having to worry about what I said in case it upset her, always having to worry about replying to dozens of text messages soon enough so that she didn't start the 'are you cross with me? what have I done? please talk to me?' bombardment.

But I miss my friend. The one I knew before her current disappearance into paranoia and delusions. The one who I spent hours talking shit with. The one with a genius IQ and an almost photographic memory, who can virtually recite the MIMS/PDR. The sweet, sexy girl with the infectious smile, and the mischievous twinkle in her eyes. The one who cared about what I was doing or feeling, apart from only when it concerned her. The one who was my friend.

In one way, it doesn't surprise me that it happened, but the reasons are completely opposite from what I'd have expected. I am 41, fat, ugly, depressed, suicidal, insular, unfit, single, etc etc. She is 30, tiny and sexy, well-muscled from gym, pretty, married, health-conscious. And way sicker than she used to be. Or maybe it was just that I wasn't part of the delusions before, because she has had them in the past. This has been an unequal relationship, weighted on her side of the scale. Kind of like when the most popular girl in the school wants to be friends... there is always part of you that knows you are not entitled to this, and that sooner or later, you'll get dumped. Guess that has happened. The last few weeks were not really good ones for me, 'cos whatever I said or did wasn't the right thing. But when I envisage her, it's the elfin smile and the things we laughed at together that I see. Even in the worst moments of the past year, we have been able to find something to laugh at together.

I miss my friend.....

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