Thursday, May 31, 2007

same old stuff

P-doc came back from San Diego all excited about genes and brain imaging. Great, so in 10 years time psychiatry will be able to focus on specific little bits of brain and fix them. Nothing though that makes any difference to me, now. Coming up for the solid two year anniversary (minus 6 weeks and 4 days), and I don't have 10 years to wait. I don't think I even have one. The only thing that stops me from suicide is that I am to apathetic to even tidy up the house, never mind organise wills and animals. I'm too apathetic to even cut myself - if I could get energetic enough to do it, it might help. I'm doing a little bit of the Andy stuff, an even smaller amount of paying work. I regard my day as fully occupied if I have one 30 min appt.

On the meds, droping Nardil to 4 has cut the PH, but not the dizziness - I still have that, but not as much. Adding the Ritalin so far has done nothing, but that's only at 10mg so far. And something, don't know which is screwing with my short term memory a bit. Things like I will know that I did something two days ago, but I won't be able to remember what - comes after a while, but for an hour or two there's just a total blank. And sleep...taking meds at night in hope that full night will keep me awake during day, but doesn't work - still wake at night, still nap all day. Idiot.
At least the cats enjoy it.

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