Thursday, May 24, 2007

the big one hundred

- wish I could say it was a happy 100. For a change though, we're back to completely miserable, instead of just 99%. Don't know if it's the meds change or not, don't think so - was here already. But we've cut Nardil to 60mg, Tydamine to 25mg, added 5mg of Ritalin which will go to 10mg on Monday. Still can't walk 100 metres without having to stop and rest, but the PH is gone, and most of the other dizziness as well. Even with being back on the sleeping tabs, I still wake up 3 or 4 times a night. And can still nap all day. Only taking 1 tab at night, could go up to 2, but that is cutting into my suicide stash. And p-doc won't give me any until he thinks the stash is depleted. Beast.

Meantime, the rest of my life is just full of screw-ups - not mine - and things that leave me feeling totally rejected even though they are all minor things. The only thing I seem to do well at is driving a million km's a week to fetch birds and things that have been donated to the Andy-fund. That's about only thing that is working well, and thats because there are now other people involved to do the actual work. Half of the birds die on me. The rest are feral pigeons, and they are tough and smart enough to survive almost anything.

I wish there wasn't such a guilt thing attached to suicide. Even though voluntary euthanasia is legal in a few places, it still excludes depression and mental illness. I can understand being sad about people who die for some reason when they don't want to. But it would be so cool if it was accepted that sometimes people have just had enough, and would like to die. Even better if there were clean, painless methods available on request. I figure I have the reasonably painless method sorted out. What stops me is the guilt, knowing that my family could never understand my choice. If I had enough energy and motivation, I'd become a pro-voluntary-suicide activist. Then again, if I had any motivation maybe I could find another reason for living.

No comments: