Monday, August 20, 2007

from ugg to ugly....

....with a repeat of part of yesterday's afternoon. Namely, the part where I wanted a nap, was limited again to less than an hour at a time in order to feed baby dove, and ten minutes after I slept, the sms from Duckbuddy bit started again. This time I responded, to say that I was trying to sleep and was turning phone off. Which she knows I can't do, because of work. Got a nasty one back, ignored it for two hours, and then sent one saying timeout. Enough of friendship. Enough of nagging and whining. But ended off with a polite enjoy your life. Got back a blistering nasty referring to stuck pigs as more exciting company, and bringing in p-doc - as in only thing I have in my life is obsession with him. Which really got me annoyed, and after that it got really ugly. Until - out of the blue - after 3 more truly vicious msgs from her, I get the all-innocent 'Leave me alone. None of this is true. If you don't stop harassing me...'. Umm - harassment would imply that I was the only person sending msgs, leave me alone would imply the same (ignoring the fact that I'd already told her to piss off and stop sms-ing), none of this is true - nope, 50% is my opinion, 50% is what she herself has told me numerous times. Truth hurts, I guess. Both ways. I'm not denying most of it though - yes, I adore p-doc (but admiring his butt is as far as it goes), yes, I am way down and have been for longer than I've known her (but wallowing in a cesspool of terminal self-pity, while she is working at getting better? Don't think so..maybe the wallowing bit. But her working at anything? Not even in her dreams!), being a bolshie cow (almost definitely), etc etc. Just what I needed to make a crappy weekend even better.

Cool bananas, as my goose-catching buddy is known to say. The friendship has been adding stress since it was revived (at her instigation) after it was killed (at her instigation)....and with work creating even more, I've been battling with DB for the last month. It's just constant complaints about how anxious she is, how tense she is, how miserable she is - albeit she keeps asking how I am, what I'm doing, when I'm seeing p-doc or t-doc, every last detail of my appts with them. The last bit is mostly something I don't share. I don't want to. Will tell her med changes, and maybe one or two funny bits, but not much more. I don't need details of hers either, or of the rest of her weird behaviour. In between meeting for coffee bits, I often find myself almost hating her. Even more than me (and I berate myself for this often enough), she has just about everything. Young, beautiful, skinny, married to good looking, rich, hard working young excutive HB who insists that she doesn't have to work (not that she could hold any kind of a job for more than a day or two before weirdness would become obvious), small kid (who is in daycare for mornings and with full time maid in afternoons). But the downside is that she varies from severe social phobias all the way into full-on psychosis. HB, on 7th anniversary, when she asked him if he thought marriage was good, responded 'its OK'. Daughter is way behind developmentally and is showing all the signs of incipient OCD and social affective disorder - DB has said many things in the past about things that worry her about daughter's behaviour, but guess I'd be slaughtered if I repeated them back to her. Or I'd just be told 'none of it is true'. Well, if it isn't then why the f**k did you lie about it in the first place?

And yet, when I see her, even with all the complaints, I somehow like her all over again. She's smart and funny. And sweet, and oh so vulnerable.

Just can't handle the constant demands though - I grew up in an age where if you want to talk to someone, you meet them, or phone them, and you have a conversation. And after that you continue your life. Not this 20 or 30 (think the worst one was 37) text messages a day, so that there is constant interruption of whatever you're doing. I've been keeping it down since the reinstatement of friendship from her, by not responding immediately, which limits it to around 10 a day. But it's intrusive - even if, according to her I don't have a life anyway other than my 'obsession'.

This morning, as I should have expected but didn't, there was a horribly sad apology, saying she wishes she could take back everything she said, that she wishes it hadn't happened and she's sorry for hurting my feelings. I'm sorry too, Duck. I would have rather it didn't get as ugly as it did, and I didn't start it off like that. But it won't go away just because she is sorry, and even though I was equally vicious and regret that immensely, a lot of what she said is going to fester away for a long time still. Which I really don't need. At least I can talk to t-doc about it tomorrow, maybe pull some of the thorns....probably just cry about it. Have been crying most of today already. Guess the bit about no-one can hurt you like the ones you love is very true....

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