Sunday, August 5, 2007

good intention, but oh what a follow-thru....

my favourite local live music venue has me on their sms gig-guide list. So just after seeing p-doc on thu, they sent me a msg saying my fave local band was playing on friday night. Impulsively, I booked.

Safe to say no-one there has forgotten me, although I haven't been there for over a year. I'm just not sure it's that good a thing, to be remembered at a pub kind of place. The car guard hugged me, the manager hugged me, 3 of the waiters hugged me. By the time I got to my table there was already a drink there. A double,and before that one was 3/4 gone, the next one arrived. The band was excellent, I got nicely blurred, but not too trashed. Got to hear their new song all the way through for the first time. Got to cry in public listening to it. What fun.

It's just I've lost the ability to go out and have a good time on my own. It's not that there is anyone I could take with me either. Wish there was, wish there was someone to come home with. Really wish there was someone to hold at night. Yeah, right. Like anyone with half a brain would put up with a miserable fat loser. Stupidest thing is that it's entirely my own fault. All my life, I've lived in such a way as to put off the only kind of man who I'd be able to live with. Hard to explain that it's only because I don't have one in my life that I do things for myself, on my own. That I'd drop the pretence of self-sufficiency in an instant if I didn't have to fake it just to keep going.

Guess this is what they mean by older and wiser. Not that it helps - being able to see what you should have done twenty years ago, but didn't is just a way to hurt yourself even more. What you could have had, who you could have been. If only. Yeah, if only.....

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