...starting later than planned, due to not sleeping much last night with meds "amendment". How come though, I could easily rack up hours if I start at about 06h00, but until then I sleep so lightly? I've always been renowned for my ability to sleep anytime, anywhere - albeit the naps that earned me the reputation have always been the ones that I've had in places that I shouldn't have. I know the theory is that you need less sleep as you get older, but I'm obviously out of step with myself, because I need more than I am getting, no matter how much that actually is.
And then out to a big horsy-stuff exhibition, where the rehab centre had been given a stand. Major achievement was buying 11 Christmas presents - hah! I break the December 20th curse at last! That's the one where you swear blind that you'll do all your Christmas shopping before July, and not only miss that deadline, but are then struck by a kind of idea-paralysis that only leaves you on Dec 20th, and normally means you do all your shopping in one shopping centre on one of the remaining three nights along with most of the population within a 500km radius. And vow never to leave it till the last minute again, only to be caught exactly the same way the following year. Of course, buying things now actually means that by Christmas I will have a)been overcome by wanting to give the gift sooner, so will only have about 3 of them left and b)the remaining 3 will be hiding somewhere sensible in the house where I won't be able to find them until about 28th Dec, so will have had to succumb to the Dec 20th curse all over again.
Apart from the delusional gift-buying satisfaction, it was a long day. Managed to scrounge some money and some possible new volunteers for the centre though, so not too bad. Offered to take the display stuff, including our educational owl, back to the centre on my way home, then offered to pick up an injured bird after that, so only got home to starving cats and dogs at around 18h45 (potentially-starving little birds had come with me), which is now having a knock-on effect on my evening. Don't feel that I have been home long enough to go to bed (even though I am yawning hugely), and by the time I do, will end up - again - not getting enough solid sleep, so will be tired in the morning. And agreed earlier to get up an hour before I have to, to wake the tenant in my cottage up because she has let her mobile phone go flat, doesn't have a charger, and doesn't have an alarm. Ummm, she's also 24, living in a foreign country with a responsible job....why am I having to act like a mommy? Oh, thinks jcat, and hasn't paid her rent yet either, which was due before the 1st...
However - as someone who even with alarms and reminders on the phone etc - still ends up with her t-doc phoning to make sure she is out of bed for time-critical wake-up calls before catching planes etc.....I can't really deny the universe some revenge!
Which reminds me that I get to see t-doc tomorrow. Good. Need it. And also brings an unwelcome thought that I am way too dependent on both t-doc and p-doc, and that the rest of this month is crappy from that POV too. T-doc has carefully made arrangements to see me in between getting married, hosting lots of visitors for that, being away on honeymoon etc, but just knowing that she is unavailable for much of the next 6 weeks is scary. P-doc is back from holiday tomorrow, and his receptionist has found me an appt for Fri, but then it's three weeks before the next scheduled one, so will be on the cancellation list, and I have a horrible feeling that he mentioned some congress that he's going to as well - just don't remember when or where, but there is a vague suspicion that it's the last week or so of Sept.
Sometimes I think that I should stop seeing both of them, and sink or swim on my own again. I don't like needing people. Especially not people with whom - no matter how intimate the relationship is - are intrinsically not supposed to be people that I depend on so much that the idea of them being simultaneously unavailable can worry me as much as it does.
I think the most appropriate phrase would be 'get a life'....
2 comments:
Maybe you could think of your therapist's and psychiatrist's upcoming vacations as a way to demonstrate to yourself that you're not wholly dependent on them.
Just a thought...
...and by the way, it's okay (even normal!) to fret a little about whether you'll get by for a few weeks without them. :)
Jcat...I read your blog and sometimes I think we are on some kind of shared/similar path...I've been having the exact same thoughts about dependency on my pdoc as you are having...I think them quite frequently. I know when my mom got sick I quickly realized I wasn't completely dependent on him (as I had to move away to my Mom's and couldn't see him)...but I knew he would be there if I needed him...and he says even when I am well I can see him. That makes me feel safer.
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