Thursday, September 20, 2007

such a bitch

the worst bit about yesterday's trip was the way I yelled at the guy bringing the tortoises. I don't know the area, and had looked up where I was supposed to meet him, and then it turned out he didn't have a clue where that was and every time I phoned him he'd come up with some other landmark where he was, and I couldn't even get him to tell me which road he was on. So I kept losing it and starting to cry and shouting at him to please just find the river or ask someone. Felt like such a cow.
And then I'd cry for ten minutes and phone him again, and lose it all over again.

Cried for an hour back to town. Cried even more when I realised it was two years since one of our senior volunteers was killed in a car accident. Just about cried for the rest of the evening.

And today, cried all the way to see p-doc, firstly because work is stuffing me around and most of what I've done for the last 3 months is going to be wasted because the people who should be driving this project don't want to tell the client that the reason he is going to pay huge amounts unnecessarily is because they've stuffed up. Cried for most of appt, and all the way home. Cried about birds dying. Stopped reading really sad book about teenager shooting herself, and started reading what should have been a happy chicklit book - all her others have been - only to discover well into it that the edgy feel of the first bit where her husband isn't with her but you don't know why is because he's dead. They were on their way to dinner, and then there was a car-crash and he was killed. All of a sudden the first part makes sense, even though a lot of it is her emailing him and leaving messages on his cell. Been crying all afternoon in between little bird feeding, and all evening too. Not even half past eight, and going to bed now. Can't even double up on sedatives because I'm on call - guess I can cry myself to sleep instead...

1 comment:

Aqua said...

Hi Jcat,
Sorry you are feeling so crappy...I'm right there with you. I do come to visit, but have little motivation, energy to post. All I want to do is disappear. I hope you are feeling better soon. Keep writing. I get a sense of a shared battle in your posts.