thursday already

and I have done just about nothing this week. Apart from seeing tdoc on Tue and today, and pdoc this morning, all I've really done is fetch animals and birds from all over. Including 3 baby black backed jackals of about 3 weeks from somewhere 2.5 hours out of town on Tue, a whole bunch of birds yesterday, a bunch more today including my first baby mynahs of the season. Four little guys that look to be between 10 and 15 days old - been waiting weeks for them to start being found out of the nests, and now four at once. Needless to say, I have a waiting list for them already. While I wouldn't normally encourage people to keep wild birds as pets, mynahs thrive on human interaction and many of the ones I know are never caged or clipped - they stay by their choice, and, probably, because they enjoy having a tame human to serve them. Also, I figure that the more people see of them as pets, the more they will be regarded with some degree of fondness and in the long term it might become less acceptable to kill them in the wild.

Good to have tdoc back again. I know that most of what she does is just 'supportive' therapy, but she does also prod me into looking at things differently sometimes. I spend most of my life trying to pretend everything is ok, and at least I can talk to her about anything. I kind of feel she is the only person who knows everything about me and doesn't reject me for the worst bits. Yeah, I know it's a paid-for relationship...but sometimes it's still the only totally honest one I have. Even pdoc doesn't know a lot of what she does, partly because he doesn't really want to get into the really emotional stuff and partly because I adore him too much to tell him what a totally useless bitch I am a lot of the time. We do talk, and he can be really astute sometimes, but there will always be stuff I'd rather not discuss.

He was in great form today, and we ended up talking about all sorts of weird stuff. Including another one of his slightly off-colour stories - started off with the strange things little old ladies do sometimes, so he reckons one of the strangest he'd had was at a very busy hospital where most of the ambulance calls were taken to. A member of staff was brought in to ER with a bunch of flowers stuck in her genitals, so the junior resident on duty comes running to call him and tells him this in a very wide-eyed shocked tone. 'oh' says pdoc calmly, 'she probably just couldn't find a vase anywhere'! And shrinks wonder why they have a reputation for being a bit strange themselves....

So it's up again on the Aurorix again, to 750mg. And wait. He says no way to even thinking about methadone, which is probably my choice as well. I'm way too much of an addictive personality anyway, and the opiates are still something I find a bit scary. At the same time though, I'm running out of patience - and out of meds that we haven't tried. I've lost count of how many it's been just in the past three years, almost all of them without any effect at all. Getting to the point again where I just think it's been too long already, and it doesn't seem to be anything left to hope for.

No gym yet. But no vodka either.