for an 8-hour sleep/night person, I seem to be awake for way too many 02h00s lately. Which goes together with three almost guaranteed corollaries :
1. I must still get up by 07h00 at the absolutely way-latest for morning feeds;
2. if I am still awake by 22h00, it means alcohol is involved;
3. so who gives a fuck anyway.
Today could probably count as good by recent standards - facilitating delivery/release of a whole bunch of birds. Only having to euth one pigeon, for a 99% likely spinal injury. Not killing any babies.
I still spent at least half of it wishing I wasn't. There's a very, very short list of things that could make me want to live - like one - and I know that the chances of it ever happening is way below zero. Really. More chance of snow. (It does snow here, too. Minutely this year. 1981. 1967. So snow in JHB is possible....) Failing that, the meds might work. Ha bloody ha. Really, really wish they would, not only for me - although that is enough of a dream - but also because it would please pdoc. And that in turn would make me even happier.
Compared to the shortlist that would probably be livable for regardless of meds, there's a whole bunch that would count as enough of a reason not to. Those are all far more likely to happen anyway, even without me pushing my chances. Like getting fired from paying work or volunteer job. Reckless catches of poisonous and biting beasties. All sorts of risky bits that I can do without fear, because I would almost welcome it if they happened. Which in turn means that they never will.
I don't swallow the weaseled-away collection of meds even though I want to...because of my animals, my family, my docs. Can't remember when last I thought it was a good thing that the one previous attempt didn't work, but I often wish that it had - many times, every day. I take chances with sensibility and safety just about as often, without even considering them, because all I need is one good reason. Just one....