Monday, December 24, 2007

happy holidays to all..

..including me. Although it's been a long time since I really enjoyed Christmas, and New Year has never been a favourite, the last couple have been extra rough. And as this MDE approaches the end of its third year, doing good/being good seem even more pointless.

2004 had been a mixed year. There were a few long, bad patches - as there had been for many years - but I'd dropped out of IT again, started at the rehab centre, been rehired as a contractor by my previous company, so it was a better year than most. The week between Christmas and New Year was spent paddling down the Orange River with friends. The trip ended on New Year's Eve, and although I ducked out of the huge party that everyone else went to, it was OK. Only forerunner of things to come was that I'd accidentally left my meds at base camp in the last minute reduction of luggage to absolute basics (clean undies...nope, clean tshirts...nope, you get the idea of how we had to pare down our 'small bags' to fit into a much smaller plastic bag?) so hadn't taken A/Ds for 4 days. Shouldn't have been a train-smash, but about a week later the wall hit me face-first. And I've never quite gotten myself back again. Bit of ECT, changes of meds, bit more hospital, change of pdocs (unwillingly), bit more of everything. 6 good weeks in Sept/Oct. 2006 was the year of dropping out of almost everything, 2007 of burying hope, 2008 is heading for the year of burying me. Well cremation, seeing as I'm not allowed to specify that my corpse be offered to predators.

If there is a miracle out there, I believe that pdoc will be the one to find it. That is about all I am hoping for. And yet, sometimes I still have dreams in which I am happy, am loved, have a future. Those are the days that hurt the most, as the probability of any of it drops steadily.

Tomorrow is going to be rough, unless I drink a whole lot, and with roadblocks everywhere, that might not be a sensible idea. And the start of rough is being at the centre on time for morning shift with my own motley crew of mynahs, pigeons and parrots. So - finish drink and head for sleep, albeit the Remeron/Neurontin/Ambien induced version. Can't achieve it myself, but doesn't stop me from wishing for a merry Christmas to all, especially to the two lonely blog-readers who will see the wishes - have a good one, y'all.....

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