same old shit, different day....

...was one of ex-BFs sayings. True enough.

Disorganised as always. Running late as always. Didn't do most of what I should have. New mynah from yesterday died on me. Blah blah blah....

The increase in Remeron and Neurontin have had one noticeable effect - sleep. Only woke up once that I know of last night, but to counteract that bonus, I slept through the alarm, slept in the bath, had a quick nap late afternoon and am only starting to feel half-awake now. Not doable if I am on call for paying job - I have to be able to respond intelligently if I am phoned at night. See how it goes; hopefully the full-on dopiness will wear off.

Only constructive activity for the day was taking 4 ducks, 9 Egyptian geese, 40 tortoises, 1 dikkop, 1 terrapin, 1 hedgehog and 2 spotted eagle owls out to our release conservancy. I get more than my share of releases because I have flexible working hours, a pickup with canopy and sufficient income to pay for my fuel - they are the bit that makes all the dying and injuries bearable. When you see a bird or animal come out of it's travel crate, look round, sense freedom and head off without a backward glance....what we do most days seems worthwhile.

And another message from DuckBuddy...Saturday afternoon, so guess hubby was playing sport again. She misses me, wishes she could go back to before last fight, etc. I miss her too. When she isn't psychotic, she will always be one of the smartest, funniest, sweetest people around. When I think of her, I see her all bright-eyed and laughing. But that image is overwritten by the way she knows exactly how to really wound, and the memories of her doing it. And I just don't want to lay myself open for that again. Even if it means I lose out on all the good days too....

PT did walkies and assessment yesterday. Down a couple of kilograms, lost centimetres in most places. Except, (bloody hell !!) my butt and my thighs, those being two of the many areas that I really don't need being any bigger. He reckons he is happy, and that the butt growth is temporary, as the muscle tightens up. Hope so. This week is going to be a bad one, with Christmas face-stuffing, no exercise, and - almost guaranteed - drinking on Christmas day as well. I know it is stupid, but at the moment I cannot conceive of a day of faking sociability and family-feeling without alcohol to smooth the prickles off of me.

Not a good week all round. Working shifts on both Christmas and the 26th, and have a full house with mynahs, pigeons and two baby parrots to hand-feed from my dentist. So going anywhere needs planning and much transporting. Probably only see PT on Mon and Fri. No tdoc. No (my) pdoc, although seeing borrowed one on Thu. Haven't finished present-buying. Haven't started present-wrapping. Domestic worker is home on long leave, so need to do dishes and laundry and dogs - her sister is filling in a bit, but is somewhat lacking compared to DW herself.

And the idea of sucking exhaust fumes is almost overwhelmingly sweet. Backup meds now number almost 500 good ones, plus whatever the current script is. If the timing was right, that's anything up to another 350 assorted. It would just be so easy to give up fighting, just so tempting....