...pass at two different speeds. They endure forever, so that things I know I did yesterday seem an eternity away. And they whiz past so that every one has its own list of the things I just never got around to doing. Inherent failure just waiting to be fact.
Yesterday PT and I did the walk from his office, before going shopping for new running shoes and socks. True to his promise, I had absolutely no say in what we bought. He did ask if I had any colour preference, to which I said 'no, they're all equally ugly' and any cost limits. He gave me a strange look when I said no to that because when the cost is amortised over 3 or 4 years, a couple of hundred rand is fairly irrelevant. I think the last pair of shoes (other than flip flops) that I bought was in 2004, and I've only worn them once. So I now own a pair of weird looking NB trainers and 6 pairs of thick socks to go with them. Did today's walk in them, and they were surprising comfortable, albeit heavy. That was after he'd laced them up for me, because he has a special way of lacing them to give more ankle restraint. I felt like a schoolkid standing there while my shoes got tied for me.
And then I saw borrowed pdoc again. And cried again for most of it. Think I actually like her, even if she needles me with tough questions. Like whether the rehab work is actually a good career choice for me, with all the birds and animals that die. I wonder about that too, often. And that's before I even count the number that I kill - either directly by having to euthanase them, or indirectly by my inability to care for them adequately. I just don't see a way to not do it, though. Not only is there nothing else that I could see myself doing, but hordes of people have my direct number to call for the species that the centre doesn't treat. And if I wasn't taking them, then I would be directly responsible for all of those dying. No easy way out.
All the other questions too. Why don't I socialise more, why don't I have a relationship again. Easy answer to that one (although I didn't say it) - no-one would want one with me. Haven't really dated anyone since I was seeing ex-BF in 2004 and that was fairly casual. Tried some online dating, but it didn't really work. Having regular sex would probably be really good for me, but it just ain't gonna happen. I can't inflict myself on anyone knowing what a useless asshole I am. And anyway, the ones that I might want wouldn't ever have even looked twice at me. Not even when I was at my peak, and I'm nowhere near that at the moment.
And the whole suicidality bit as well - what level (8/10), what stops me (guilt about my family). Didn't tell her though that at the moment I am pretty much doing most things with the background thought that it doesn't matter what chances I take, because with one more reason, it would be a 10/10. Or that my meds stash is probably adequate on it's own by now. Method, means and motive; almost all the cherries in a row. I'm just too tired of this to face the prospect of another year like the last three....
Told her that I'd been going up on the Eldepryl sooner than scheduled, which she wasn't wild about but figures I'm the one who will have to explain that to pdoc. She suggested upping the Remeron (120mg) and the Neurontin (1000mg) instead - both to make me sleep more at night and for the a/d effect to maybe kick in, so will do that instead this week. What doesn't kill might cure, I guess.
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