days in the life of an idiot...

...pass at two different speeds. They endure forever, so that things I know I did yesterday seem an eternity away. And they whiz past so that every one has its own list of the things I just never got around to doing. Inherent failure just waiting to be fact.

Yesterday PT and I did the walk from his office, before going shopping for new running shoes and socks. True to his promise, I had absolutely no say in what we bought. He did ask if I had any colour preference, to which I said 'no, they're all equally ugly' and any cost limits. He gave me a strange look when I said no to that because when the cost is amortised over 3 or 4 years, a couple of hundred rand is fairly irrelevant. I think the last pair of shoes (other than flip flops) that I bought was in 2004, and I've only worn them once. So I now own a pair of weird looking NB trainers and 6 pairs of thick socks to go with them. Did today's walk in them, and they were surprising comfortable, albeit heavy. That was after he'd laced them up for me, because he has a special way of lacing them to give more ankle restraint. I felt like a schoolkid standing there while my shoes got tied for me.

And then I saw borrowed pdoc again. And cried again for most of it. Think I actually like her, even if she needles me with tough questions. Like whether the rehab work is actually a good career choice for me, with all the birds and animals that die. I wonder about that too, often. And that's before I even count the number that I kill - either directly by having to euthanase them, or indirectly by my inability to care for them adequately. I just don't see a way to not do it, though. Not only is there nothing else that I could see myself doing, but hordes of people have my direct number to call for the species that the centre doesn't treat. And if I wasn't taking them, then I would be directly responsible for all of those dying. No easy way out.

All the other questions too. Why don't I socialise more, why don't I have a relationship again. Easy answer to that one (although I didn't say it) - no-one would want one with me. Haven't really dated anyone since I was seeing ex-BF in 2004 and that was fairly casual. Tried some online dating, but it didn't really work. Having regular sex would probably be really good for me, but it just ain't gonna happen. I can't inflict myself on anyone knowing what a useless asshole I am. And anyway, the ones that I might want wouldn't ever have even looked twice at me. Not even when I was at my peak, and I'm nowhere near that at the moment.

And the whole suicidality bit as well - what level (8/10), what stops me (guilt about my family). Didn't tell her though that at the moment I am pretty much doing most things with the background thought that it doesn't matter what chances I take, because with one more reason, it would be a 10/10. Or that my meds stash is probably adequate on it's own by now. Method, means and motive; almost all the cherries in a row. I'm just too tired of this to face the prospect of another year like the last three....

Told her that I'd been going up on the Eldepryl sooner than scheduled, which she wasn't wild about but figures I'm the one who will have to explain that to pdoc. She suggested upping the Remeron (120mg) and the Neurontin (1000mg) instead - both to make me sleep more at night and for the a/d effect to maybe kick in, so will do that instead this week. What doesn't kill might cure, I guess.

might not have been the most intelligent thing...

... to unilaterally decide to increase the Eldepryl the same morning as Personal Trainer came to try and kill me. Apart from hitting a max heart rate over 200 at one stage, it didn't do any harm. Besides, would have gone up on Sat anyway - and I don't have months to wait while pdoc builds it up slowly. Extra-slowly while he is away.

PT took me for a very brisk walk, with huge amounts of it being anything between gentle upward slope and almost vertical. He chatted the whole way, and didn't even glow. I was drenched, contributed only very short sentences and developed a blister from wearing shoes and socks for the first time in ages. Apparently I now need to buy new, expensive trainers and (probably) equally expensive socks. He told me to cool down in the bath, so my muscles could disintegrate slowly and not form lactic acid crystals - never being one to turn down a bath order, I slept there for an hour, and finally started feeling almost human around 19h00.

And - why oh why did I agree - he is back tomorrow at 09h00 for another session. I know I'm not exactly a shining example of mental well-being; now I know I am completely batshit as well.

The theory is that exercise is supposed to make me less miserable. Not so sure about that....

was monday named from a phrase meaning disorganised chaos....

..or is it only me that stumbles into the week cursing because I'm never ready for it? Then again, it's about the same for every other day too.

Good bit for the day was that Nicky ate a bit this morning, and I transferred him to my regular vet this afternoon. Hope this cat realises I have a mortgage on his fur for the next ten years, given the huge bill that I had to pay to liberate him from the ER practice. And there will still be more to come, before he gets to go home to the squatter camp.

Apart from that, I fetched two pigeons, a dead mousebird (no, not really...the vet kept the little body. But I did go all the way there before they discovered that it had died fairly soon before), a live but icy cold mousebird and a sparrow.

Didn't do any of the other things I should have.

Did get round to sending a reminder to a bunch of work people to ask if they had read my request to combine the two meetings scheduled with roughly the same subjects, same people, same repetition of what I've already said in at least 5 meetings. So the one dude sends back a very indignant reply and then tells me I wasn't even invited anyway. I say 'yes I was, you invited me yourself.' 'no I didn't'. 'yes you did, and I have your mail to prove it. Sent last week on Thurs morning' 'oh, well I don't want you there anyway'. Gee thanks. I don't actually want to be there much, either. But if he can't remember what invitations he issued 4 days ago, perhaps it shouldn't surprise me that he doesn't do any of the things that he should have been doing for the last 8 months. Dickhead. Other dude hasn't bothered to reply, so I just won't bother to go to his meeting in the morning. Covered my ass though by sending a mail to my boss saying that under the circumstances I wouldn't attend either meeting.

And was saved from the tortoise dilemma by a reminder from an online store to say that the books I ordered ages ago should be delivered in the next 24 hours. Had forgotten about them, and that included in the order are Samuel Shem's 'House of God' and 'Mount Misery', which I ordered to give to pdoc, seeing as he rates them the funniest books he's ever read, but doesn't have copies anymore. So the tortoise can go back to sitting on a shelf for another few months.

Guess bed would be a good idea. Before tomorrow ends up being as wasteful as today...

sore, tired, stressed...

- kind of a frustrating day. I took yesterday as garden timeout, because I hurt so much. And only spent 8 hours working at the PC. So today was supposed to include a good bit of garden labour and IT labour - I managed neither. This morning got interrupted by a call while still in the bath to go catch a genet. By the time that was done, I needed to go through to the rehab centre to drop him/her off, and then to see t-doc. Miserable appointment - all I wanted to do was just cry on her shoulder, but knew if I even started there was no ways I'd stop...just too low to go there at all. And then coffee with Duckbuddy. Which she insisted had to include a second cup, even though I really didn't want to - not because I didn't want to spend time with her, but because of timing. So ended up going straight into rush hour, and taking about 75 mins to get home. Feed cats, feed dogs, have a large drink. Give up on probability of anything constructive for work, and on gardening because it was already getting dark. Have another large drink, and cruise the net for nothing in particular.

I'd kick my butt for wasting an entire day on not having fun, not getting a physical workout and not doing any paid work either - but my knees hurt too much to get my foot that high, and my hands, shoulders and (I discovered today when DB and I were joking and I tried to flex biceps....)arms all hurt too much to find a way of getting my butt down to foor level!

So for today, signing off as an aching all ways loser....sleep well, y'all.