Sunday, December 16, 2007

ho hum

ok, so what did I actually do with the entire day....

Fed birds, went to fetch a bird that had died already and instead bought a cake to take to tea at visiting-friend, read half the newspaper, tidied half of desk. Reread school magazines which were lying on desk (no, I have no idea why they were there) and cried about all my entries. Read 'Me and Marley' by John Grogan and cried about dogs and dying. Made content lists for car CD's and cried listening to most of the songs. Shelved last 3 months worth of books, a major achievement. Cried some more. Had a phone-call from pdoc's admin lady, just to say hello and ask how it's going. Cried about that too.

What I didn't do : exercise, cook, wash dishes, shave legs (PT again in the morning) or almost all the jobs I was supposed to do today. And worst of all, didn't see visiting-friend. In spite of the cake that is still sitting on my car seat. I reread mail, worked out that I could legitimately go for tea onwards instead of lunch and mailed her to confirm. Halfway there I listened to the voicemail that I'd missed as I was getting ready to leave home, and discovered that she had had to change plans and was no longer hosting tea. Bummer. So now I feel like a real bitch for not going at lunchtime.

I feel like a real bitch about most things. I wonder why I still have friends, when all I ever do is avoid seeing them, or talking to them. I don't deserve them, or my family. Don't deserve either of my jobs, because I just screw those up too most of the time. Actually, I screw up just about every part of my entire life. Even the things that I try to do right.

Loser. Total, complete, utter loser.

1 comment:

Aqua said...

All those things are the damn symptoms of this illness. I find it so hard to keep up friendships, to keep in touch with my family, to even leave the house when I am depressed. At least you ARE working. I'm not even able to do that right now and that is so difficult when inside I really am a workaholic. I read about the work you do and I marvel at the job you do when you are as depressed as you are.