so borrowed pdoc today tells me that she doesn't see any reason why things will ever improve. That meds are unlikely to ever work, given the shopping list that I've tried (and the high doses of most) over the past three years. Which, BTW, doesn't even go into all the ones before that. She reckons that I should give up rehab work and go back to IT full time, and work from the office every day.
Just the positive spin I really need. Ok, so she's only seen me three times, plus a couple of quickies in the hospital, but still.... having a pdoc tell me that the meds won't work doesn't help with motivating myself to keep trying. Although she did add Leponex - seeing as an A/P is the about the only category missing at the moment. The sedation from the increase in Remeron and Neurontin wore off on Saturday, so I've been back to waking up every hour or so. Seem to remember that last time the Leponex made me sleep at night. And in the morning. And the afternoon.
Quitting rehab? Might help, not having dying creatures all the time. But only if I knew that someone else was caring for the mynahs and ferals. And along with the bad, rehab gives me just about the only good bits. IT full time - yeah well, I've already dropped out twice because I was overloading on stress, and I can't see that going back would help at all. And at the moment, the thought of being in an office every day is just about inconceivable. I can't even handle erratic shifts at the centre without feeling overwhelmed by the people contact. Social events have me running for home after two or three hours.
I know being insular and isolating myself doesn't help, but I can't see myself doing the opposite. Being in a relationship would help too, but honestly, no-one would want one with me. So if all the things that someone who is an expert thinks would be good fill me with fear, if all the things I think might help are unlikely, if the qualified opinion is that the meds are pointless..... if she and I agree only on one thing; that there isn't anything to look forward to....then ending things now is the only logical answer, isn't it.
Guess I keep my head below the firing line this week if I can. Pdoc is back at work next thurs - and even if it is dumb, I don't think I would do it without saying adios to him. Subtly.