Thursday, January 3, 2008

end of the holidays, start of the year

so bah f-ing humbug. Or some similar positive sentiment. Three years of being whale shit. Three years wasted. Nothing to indicate that anything is going to improve this year.

Saw pdoc today, and got him all excited about the exercise yes, alcohol no December. And all disappointed that I didn't bound in looking happy, that I didn't bring him the meds collection, that the exercise doesn't fill me with good cheer. Basically, disappointed that I am still a miserable asshole loser. He didn't say much about not getting the Leponex, or about borrowed pdocs opinion on futility. I didn't say much either. As much as anything on earth can make me feel glad, I am glad that he is back. I think though, that maybe I care about him too much. Not a good idea...

After which personal trainer dude did his best to help me die soon, by changing our workout from just walking - which is already bad enough - to a mix of his fancy step machine, beating up a serious punchbag and then a half-distance walk just to finish me off. All this in 32 C heat. Still feel as if I am staggering more than walking. A heart attack would be cool, as long as it was a good one. Which reminds me....must get him to give me an indemnity form to sign. Just in case I do get lucky and die on the pavement outside my house....

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