Thursday, January 17, 2008

good and bad for the day...

Bad :
- I have picked up 3 kg of muscle in 5 weeks of training. And 0.7 kg of fat, because the diet and non-drinking that derailed at Christmas are still off-track. Body fat percentage is down, but I really don't need any more muscle. All it does is go flabby when you don't work it regularly.
- I was late for trainer-dude because of traffic lights being out all over town, and arrived home in such a foul mood that I started the walk so fast that after half a km I could hardly breathe, and battled for the rest of it.
- I still haven't started the work I need to do. Almost managed to start last night, until I realised that I am too scared to add more space to the database, because I know I will screw it up.
- yet again, I cried for most of the appointment with pdoc. He offered to call my boss, and that made me cry more. He suggested hospital again, which I turned down again - I am suicidal about 98% of the time already. Being in that environment wouldn't stop me from doing anything and would push the desire right over the edge. It isn't even the method I would ever use, but I can't stop thinking about hanging myself - what rope I'd use, what I could tie it to that would be strong enough, what the odds of success would be. How painful it would be. Didn't share any of that speculation with him. He said again that he is optimistic about current meds, and if not, then he still has a whole lot more options. I didn't tell him that I don't see any point in more meds, that I think we've tried enough without results. I did mention that I can't stop thinking about borrowed pdocs assertion that meds won't work anyway, but didn't go into the corollary. Which is that the meds won't work because the reason I am so down is because I am actually just a total loser anyway, and that meds can't change that without a personality transplant.
- I yelled at the dogs again, about a hundred times more than I was nice to them. They've been fixing up the house next door for about 5 weeks now, and hearing workers or seeing them on the roof sends the dogs ballistic. And them barking does the same to me. I don't deserve to have animals at the moment or birds either because all I do is be a crap caregiver and an even worse owner. Net gain of three birds and a terrapin today, which is not what is meant to happen by trying to cut back.

Good :
- nothing. Unless I start scratching for something, like good is the absence of any more bad. No point in even going there....if there was any more, I could give up fighting this and go suck exhaust fumes. Now that, I believe, would be good....

1 comment:

Lara said...

Oh, honey. I PROMISE you, you are not a loser. Neither total nor partial. Please hang in there. xoxoxoxo