so I have to boast about this one....

- although she has obviously only just handed in the assignment for which we were blundering about in the dark in strange places yesterday, DuckBuddy got back the results today from her first few assignments. She cracked 100% on three of the five, and others were in 90's. Way higher than anyone else on the course. Perfectionism is rewarded..... although she doesn't see it, she is so talented and smart and funny. I still don't understand why she would want to be friends, but I am glad that she does....

I told pdoc about the early hours shoot with me as bodyguard, which he kind of snickered about and said that the only difference that that would make is two murders instead of one - I've obviously never shown him my fierce/tough/musclebound impression. Then he went off on one of his tangents, and says that having found DB and I dead in the gardens, the only obvious link between us would be him, and he'd have to explain to the cops why two of his patients were murdered at dawn, and he'd probably be had up before the medical council to explain it to them as well... Shit, things like that just make me wish even more that I could get better. He's just about never seen me when it's good. I've never been able to share me being quick and funny, and I would so much like to be able to. Irreverence and wordplay and wicked humour is such a part of who I am. Double-shit. I say 'who I am' so glibly. Guess it should be 'who I used to be', although I can still slip on that cloak to disguise me sometimes. Could possibly do it with him too, but if I start the camouflage...it would be too easy to keep on hiding. And I want that person back for real, I want to feel like that when I leave a place too. Not to feel myself deflate as the hot air hisses out and I drive home alone crying because it is just so tiring being the walking talking marionette shadow of what I used to take for granted....