Saturday, May 17, 2008

this could kill me

but at least i will do it with some honesty....

After driving and crying and thinking and crying and talking to my DuckBuddy and crying and listening to some songs that have messages for me at the moment and crying, I eventually wrote the dude a letter, while I cried a whole lot more. Sent it about two hours ago, and - wow, surprise! - have been crying ever since.

If nothing else, hope he doesn't come here before the tentatively scheduled visit on Sunday, because I've probably cried myself into not having visible eyeballs for most of the day. And post-letter, have been drinking myself into a stupendous hangover, although the oblivion I am trying for remains way out of reach.

Told him I love him. Told him I can't do the lying and deceit bit anymore. Told him I would do just about everything that I can to be able to stand up and be with him, to love him openly, and spend forever with him....

Told him it's his choice as to what happens now. He can walk away, and I will accept that. If not? Then I will fight to have him with me honestly and openly, no matter how long or how hard it might be.

I have an awful dead patch spreading through me as I accept that I will probably never see him again, never hold him or breathe his sweet, unique scent, never make love with him or laugh and joke and talk crap for hours. This isn't an ultimatum that I have any hope of achieving, yet I've given it anyway.

There is no point in a future without him. There is equally little point in a future of loving him endlessly while we pretend that he is just a dude I know, and that everything that has become so crucial to me is...nothing.

I guess by the time I pass out tonight, with as much chemical help as possible, I will still be ripped to bits by this decision. By the time I crash into awakeness again, I will regret it bitterly, and would give almost anything to just be with him in whatever way possibly. So I've made it irrevocable, with what I said, and if/when I lose my dreams, it will be with the last few bits of my integrity.

Fucking joke. Integrity cannot hold me close or give me joy or hope. Integrity is a very cold and empty bed, for a very long time.

I accept full blame for what has happened, and full responsibility for whatever happens next. There is a small, small part of me that has hope, and a small, small part of me that dreams. And a whole lot more that says I have probably just chased away my love, my heart, my everything...

I've always thought that Ruth's words to Naomi were a strange way to feel about your mother in law. As a dedication to your lover, they remain unsurpassed.

"Ruth 1:16-17 (King James Version)

16 And Ruth said, Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God:

17 Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me."


Polar Bear said...

I can certainly relate to your pain. Will the tears ever stop?

Aqua said...

You are a brave and honourable person. I am in awe at your standing up for what you believe to be right even in the face of potential loss. Very few people are that strong. I hope everything works out for the best, but regardless you can stand tall and be proud of yourself for doing the thing you believe to be right. Wow!