all around part #2

so this evening is the down bit, I guess. Suppose it has to happen when almost everything is good, just to remind me of how fragile the balance really is.

The second job is still highly stressful. All that I have in my favour is that I told my boss there on Monday that I wasn't good enough to do what they need, although I was willing to try and learn, and also to try find them someone more suitable. Seems though that they want to try the learning bit, because they aren't telling me to piss off yet. I would if I were them, and I keep expecting it every day.

My sister is back in hospital, still really not well. First job is giving me extra uncertainty, and the rehab is alternating between excessive guilt because I can't do what they want and trying to fit in the care for what I'm already looking after.

Have been surviving on my normal fixes - pdoc, girlshrink, Duckbuddy and, more than anything, the dude. The last couple of weeks since the idiot letter, he's been here almost every day, and for much longer visits, and it makes a huge difference to my outlook.

There's an old lawyer's rule though, something about never asking a witness a question that you don't already know the answer to, and today I stepped headfirst into that one. It seemed at the time like a good point to try and see what his view of things is. Not. I asked how long he thought the whole thing with him and me might last for. So he said no idea, and that he doesn't want to think about it. Take it one day at a time and don't make plans. And that if you think about bad things, you can bring them into being.

I don't know if I agree with the last point. Because then you should also be able to bring good things into being, the same way. And I have thought and dreamed and wished so much in the past few months for a future with more of him in it. Ain't happening though, is it. More fool, me...