Saturday, May 31, 2008

oh boy

so after another delicious dude-visit, with a fairly good walk, I headed off to new job for the first time. Umm. Could land myself in trouble with this one! What they want most of is the entire sector of my possible job that I have done nothing with in the last 8 years. OK, so when I hit a moment of OMG get me outtahere midway through the afternoon, I went outside, scrounged a smoke and put in some SOS calls to get me a few manuals for the weekend. I now have two huge folders to read through and absorb, plus some take-home work, a fancy laptop and dialup conn to get it done with. Oh bloody boy indeed.

At the same time as I am scaring myself witless with what I seem to have talked myself into, I am also so, so loving it! This is so much who and what I used to be before the demon wolf got his fangs into me. I used to regularly get myself into water that was substantially deeper and warmer than I could handle truthfully, and whenever it got down to crunch-time, I could always put in the effort and mindpower to get myself through it. Then I hit the first major depression, and even in what I've regarded as good times since then, I've never really tested my work ability again.

I have gotten so used to either not trusting myself or to regarding myself as worthless. That view still holds for most things, but in terms of work, I know it shouldn't. This has always been the one area that - if I can keep my self-loathing out of it - I am very capable at. Not through anything I do, it's just the way my weird brain works.

And once again, the motivating factor here is the dude. Just by being around, just by the way he views life - and the way I deeply wish that he views me.... he gives me a kind of bedrock to go out and do stuff from. I want so much for him to see me as competent and successful, and that desire is enough to make me present myself and my skills in a way that I can hardly remember, but that used to be integral to my achievements.

Not saying that I have ever really possessed the beliefs, but that I used to be able to do the 'fake it until you make it' bit in public, even if I then went home and tortured myself over most of it. Last few years though, I haven't even tried most of the time. There just hasn't been any desire to. After all, if I know I am basically a stuff-up, and most other people agree, what's the point in trying to change things? He reminds me of the reasons - the whole wanting to succeed bit, however it happens.

Hit a bit of a low coming home this evening, the standard - I guess - weekend blues for someone who is older and uglier and less-married than the beloved. New territory for me, though. I'd like to think that this is happening because he finds me fascinating and funny and lovable and desirable...the way I feel about him. Friday night blues remind me that that is so laughable and unlikely. But the holdover from the rest of the day is keeping me going with the thought that maybe I can make this continue anyway.

After all, it wouldn't exactly be the first time in human relationships that someone old and ugly has been able to buy the affection of their loved one for a while. Maybe for long enough for some real caring and love to develop.

Guess after the end of a hard week blues, segueing straight into the late night desperate dreams is also kinda standard. And stupid.

"Ain't it hard when you wake up in the morning
And you find out that those other days are gone?
All you have is memories of happiness
Lingerin' on.

You might wonder who can I turn to
On this cold and chilly night of gloom
The answer to that question
Is nowhere in this room.

All your dreams and your lovers won't protect you,
They're only passing through you in the end.
They'll leave you stripped of all that they can get to,
And wait for you to come back again."

Neil Young, 'Star of Bethlehem'

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