Thursday, November 20, 2008

feeble excuses

for the lack of posting, but it's been a crap kind of week. One of my favourite guys at work died suddenly over the weekend. And then another close colleague had a house robbery New-SA style - the kind where they are as happy if they can kill as not. His wife was murdered in front of him. It hasn't even made the papers - just another middle-class white killed for a few household items. They have three young sons...

It seems kind of insignificant after that, that I had a dude-fight on sun/mon, which is basically over the only thing we have ever fought about. No fights probably due to him being amazingly calm, and due to me not having anything at all about him that I don't love just the way he is. Other than the attached bit, that is. I can't disagree about anything important in person, because I just fold and start crying. So when it hurts too much knowing that this is all there will ever be, I send mail asking him to please leave me alone, and then I spend the next while crying until it hurts.

This one hurt more than most, because I was as horrible to him as I can be towards someone I love so absolutely, and I know it hurt him. I know from before that the emotional pain can transmute into physical hurt. But as tuesday progressed slowly and with increasing levels of soreness, blocked sinuses, coughing and fever, I eventually admitted that this was more like flu than love gone bad, and retreated to bed. Think I've slept for more hours since Tues afternoon than most people do in a week, and have moved from the bed only as far as the bathroom, and odd visits to the birds (farmed out the babiest, and domestic worker is feeding the rest) before shuffling back to bed for another nap.

But one of yesterday's waking patches was when the dude phoned, and even as I told myself how foolish and feeble I am, I was answering. We chatted about his current project and a few other things for ages, way longer than he normally will talk on the phone for, before he asked if he could come round today. He did, and although the flu prevented much, seeing him walk in and then just wrapping myself up against his body...

I think the only way out of this is if I'm dead - it really doesn't seem like the sensible bit of me counts for much anymore.

Aqua has posted on love and marriage - a beautiful and though-provoking post. I identify with the last paragraph most. I'm also the girl that nobody has ever wanted enough to marry. I guess that hasn't changed....

1 comment:

Aqua said...

Jcat...I am really sorry to hear about what happened to both your co;;egues. How awful. God, the world needs to change NOW. I don't get it.

and thanks for the comment
The trouble is I married, but I am beginning to understand for all the wrong reasons. I married because I felt no one would ever stay with me, and I mistook staying for love. Not the same thing at all.