birds and pain

on the rehab side, have just read an interesting blog post by Dr Dolittler on pain and the use of NSAIDs and/or other drugs for pain relief. It's a subject that intrigues me particularly, because the views for humans and animals seem so diametrically opposed.

Human medicine seems to be focussed on prolonging life at all costs. I know, having seen a much loved aunt go through years of treatment for a non-curable cancer, that the quality of the life that is prolonged doesn't seem to be an issue with many doctors. She went from being a woman with so much caring and warmth for everyone, to a shrew from hell, depending on how much pain she was in, and the pain lasted for months at a time until she was hospitalised for hugely expensive and short-lasting treatments. But she trusted and respected her oncologist so much that she didn't want to hurt or disappoint him by saying that she had had enough. And so she suffered on for years, so that he could write journal articles on how he was managing her care.

Veterinary medicine on the other hand seems to have far more practitioners who value the quality of life. Perhaps it is because humans will almost always have a longer lifespan than their animal companions, perhaps it is because human doctors are legislated out of offering a similar level of compassion. I'd rather give the animals I love the best possible life for as long as that is achievable. And when it isn't, then I am able to gift them with the most comfortable death possible.

I wish that the same choices could be available for people.

However...the good doc's post is on the use of NSAIDs and other pain relief in vet practice. If you are interested in animal care at all, it's worth reading, especially the comments. I'm a definite believer in palliative care for animals, and in the rehab work I see, we have seen the benefits for mammals. Pain relief for birds though is a less-accepted or studied topic. We use homeopathic remedies such as Rescue Remedy and Traumeel on almost all our injured or stressed patients, and where more traumatic injuries are involved, we use small doses of pain-relief. Pain causes stress. Stress causes death. Or at least, that is our view, but it is one not always shared by vets and other avian specialists.

Anyway, the link is Dr Dolittler - if you have an opinion on this, let me know?

abba overdose

- went and bought 3 Abba CDs because I keep hearing that horrible remix mess of 'knowing me knowing you' in shopping centres and crying every time. I am so scared that the dude and I are almost at that point, and if we are I just don't know where I can go from there.

So it's lyrics time again...the bit of misery where you feel that someone wrote that song just to describe you...and both are from Abba.

Knowing me, knowing you

No more carefree laughter
Silence ever after
Walking through an empty house, tears in my eyes
Here is where the story ends, this is goodbye

Knowing me, knowing you (ah-haa)
There is nothing we can do
Knowing me, knowing you (ah-haa)
We just have to face it, this time we're through
(This time we're through, this time we're through
This time we're through, we're really through)
Breaking up is never easy, I know but I have to go
(I have to go this time
I have to go, this time I know)
Knowing me, knowing you
It's the best I can do

Mem'ries (mem'ries), good days (good days), bad days (bad days)
They'll be (they'll be), with me (with me) always (always)
In these old familiar rooms children would play
Now there's only emptiness, nothing to say.....


my love my life

I've seen it on your face
Tells me more than any worn-out old phrase
So now we'll go separate ways
Never again we two
Never again, nothing I can do

Like an image passing by, my love, my life
In the mirror of your eyes, my love, my life
I can see it all so clearly
(See it all so clearly)
Answer me sincerely
(Answer me sincerely)
Was it a dream, a lie?
Like reflections of your mind, my love, my life
Are the words you try to find, my love, my life
But I know I don't possess you
So go away, God bless you
You are still my love and my life
Still my one and only

I've watched you look away
Tell me is it really so hard to say?
Oh, this has been my longest day
Sitting here close to you
Knowing that maybe tonight we're through

Like an image passing by, my love, my life
In the mirror of your eyes, my love, my life
I can see it all so clearly
(See it all so clearly)
Answer me sincerely
(Answer me sincerely)
Was it a dream, a lie?
Like reflections of your mind, my love, my life
Are the words you try to find, my love, my life
But I know I don't possess you
So go away, God bless you
You are still my love and my life
Yes I know I don't possess you
So go away, God bless you
You are still my love and my life
Still my one and only

hard-working week and then a bloody owl bit me too!

- so a while ago I volunteered to do the membership admin for the rehab centre. We ask people who bring in birds if they'd like to become members for a small amount, and in return we send them magazines erratically, and will soon send smaller online articles and pics. The actual adding of new members, sending renewals and deleting ex-members isn't a huge task, but of course, once I looked at it, I started picking up all sorts of people who should be honourary members because of support they give us, plus people who donate but don't always sign up etc. So for the past week, the finance lady and I have been sending lists back and forth, of queries and addresses and more queries etc....could take a lot of work before it gets to be a list that I am happy with :-)

- and today I did another shift as senior volunteer. Our assistant manager resigned last month (think we just plain wore her out...), so a few of us have been standing in as weekend shift leaders. Today turned out to be a full house in the clinic, with a regular supply of new admissions, all of whom needed time-consuming treatment to test for possible illness, treat wounds, strap or splint limbs. Thank God for little old ladies - one of my favourite volunteers, a lady in her 70s, did the shift with me. She made it a pleasure, by doing half the clinic in a calm, relaxed and (above all) competent way, and it ended up being a really nice afternoon.

- it's also been a nice dude-filled week, because for various reasons he has had some extra free time. Most of it has been spent with me, including catching a snake (at which he is waaay more skilled than me!), working quite hard here while I do the rehab stuff and cuddle him every few minutes, and some more awesome sexy bits. And once again, I'm reminded that there is no such thing as bad time with him - the good bits are mindblowing, but the rest of it is always nice as well. I guess from the end of the month things will change a bit, as he is starting a new job. It's the kind of job where not too many questions can be asked about where he goes and what he did there, which means I will probably worry myself sick most of the time, but it will also bring him in a living salary for a change. And maybe not stressing about finances all the time will relax him a bit, and also take quite a burden off me. Am keeping my fingers crossed that it all works out....

confusing. confused. just don't know anymore...?

...so, I guess the first question is whether this should be a dude-blog post or not, but I reckon it's probably generic enough to stay here. Which answers the next questions too. Yes, there is still a dude. Yes, I still love him completely. Yes, I still believe that he loves me as much as he possibly can. Either that or he is more of a total sociopath then I can concieve of. And yes. Months and months of highs and lows and we are still no closer to any kind of equilibrium.

In all fairness, I don't think that he really has any clue about how tenuous any interest in living that I have really is. We knew each other for two months before starting whatever kind of relationship we currently have. After that we went through a while where I was definitely not going to show him any kind of downside, then through the bit where I was trying not to see him but was not going to walk away when he needed me. I think we have been getting a lot more honest with each other - at least, if you look at what we almost-fight about, and how often it happens, i think so.

I can only say almost-fight, because even after more than a year of involvement, and some really sore bits, I don't think we have ever had a knock-down fullout fight. I don't think we ever will, actually, because it seems that neither of us actually do that. Ever. And while it could possibly be a lot healthier for us both if we did, it also works that we say moderately hurtful things and then go away and breathe deeply while we think about what it would really be like to say fuck off and die and then actually never never see each other again. Somehow it seems that at that point, the never never bit is too much, and we both take a step back, followed by a couple forward in terms of vulnerability. And hey chickens, we carry on again....

I cry an awful lot about him. He knows that. The most he has and probably ever will say, is that it 'breaks his heart that he cant give me what I need and want'. He knows that I can tell him to go, and mean it, but that when he sends a msg to say have a good day that I truly want him to have a good day and a good life etc, regardless of what has happened. And somehow it seems that after that we keep seeing each other anyway.

The last two weeks have ended up, I think, with both of us being as open as we can, and taking a few steps forward in the kind of relationship we have. It's never going to be perfect. But I guess it's still a few thousand degrees better than either of us have ever dreamed of.

I ended up having dinner last night with p-doc's ex office administrator. I used to give her a hard time about calling to find out how I was, because - as I told her repeatedly - she didn't know me, so how could she possibly care whether I was suicidal or not. She kind of disproved that by staying in touch over the 5 months since she left him, so last night we ended up having a purely social evening, and it was so much fun. We seem to share a whole lot of bad habits and irreverent attitudes, and it ended up being a late, raucous and really enjoyable evening. Turns out that she has been having a long-standing affair with a man, that there was a point or two where they could have gotten permanent, but that she is the one who turns it down. She said that apart from thinking that she actually has a pretty good life on her own already, she doesn't want to stuff up either of the rest of their lives. And that when she gets to missing him at the same kind of moments that I am already so much missing the dude at, she kind of kicks herself in the butt and remembers that actually she already has the best of her guy, that she has so many of the happy and special times. The circumstances are very different, but I guess that is something that I should remember more often.

I do have the best of the dude. I have so much of the intellectual bantering and quick-wittedness that both of us delight in; I have the most amazing physical closeness where - in spite of me being really fat and ugly - we share a mutual satisfaction in the things we can give each other, and the pleasure we get in return; we laugh so often, and we both seem to want to encourage and give strength to each other as much as possible. Maybe these things will not last for ever, and there will be no enduring legacy. But for now, maybe I should be counting the chickens I have, instead of the eggs that will never hatch...

what do you do....

...when the best thing you have ever known, the one thing that makes you feel whole and competent and worthwhile, is also the one that is most likely to destroy you?

I just don't know, any more...

not much to say

am as miserable as I have ever been. Dude problems too, mainly that he doesn't want to be with me but he won't go away either.

I'm not even sure anymore which came first...