Sunday, March 15, 2009

confusing. confused. just don't know anymore...?, I guess the first question is whether this should be a dude-blog post or not, but I reckon it's probably generic enough to stay here. Which answers the next questions too. Yes, there is still a dude. Yes, I still love him completely. Yes, I still believe that he loves me as much as he possibly can. Either that or he is more of a total sociopath then I can concieve of. And yes. Months and months of highs and lows and we are still no closer to any kind of equilibrium.

In all fairness, I don't think that he really has any clue about how tenuous any interest in living that I have really is. We knew each other for two months before starting whatever kind of relationship we currently have. After that we went through a while where I was definitely not going to show him any kind of downside, then through the bit where I was trying not to see him but was not going to walk away when he needed me. I think we have been getting a lot more honest with each other - at least, if you look at what we almost-fight about, and how often it happens, i think so.

I can only say almost-fight, because even after more than a year of involvement, and some really sore bits, I don't think we have ever had a knock-down fullout fight. I don't think we ever will, actually, because it seems that neither of us actually do that. Ever. And while it could possibly be a lot healthier for us both if we did, it also works that we say moderately hurtful things and then go away and breathe deeply while we think about what it would really be like to say fuck off and die and then actually never never see each other again. Somehow it seems that at that point, the never never bit is too much, and we both take a step back, followed by a couple forward in terms of vulnerability. And hey chickens, we carry on again....

I cry an awful lot about him. He knows that. The most he has and probably ever will say, is that it 'breaks his heart that he cant give me what I need and want'. He knows that I can tell him to go, and mean it, but that when he sends a msg to say have a good day that I truly want him to have a good day and a good life etc, regardless of what has happened. And somehow it seems that after that we keep seeing each other anyway.

The last two weeks have ended up, I think, with both of us being as open as we can, and taking a few steps forward in the kind of relationship we have. It's never going to be perfect. But I guess it's still a few thousand degrees better than either of us have ever dreamed of.

I ended up having dinner last night with p-doc's ex office administrator. I used to give her a hard time about calling to find out how I was, because - as I told her repeatedly - she didn't know me, so how could she possibly care whether I was suicidal or not. She kind of disproved that by staying in touch over the 5 months since she left him, so last night we ended up having a purely social evening, and it was so much fun. We seem to share a whole lot of bad habits and irreverent attitudes, and it ended up being a late, raucous and really enjoyable evening. Turns out that she has been having a long-standing affair with a man, that there was a point or two where they could have gotten permanent, but that she is the one who turns it down. She said that apart from thinking that she actually has a pretty good life on her own already, she doesn't want to stuff up either of the rest of their lives. And that when she gets to missing him at the same kind of moments that I am already so much missing the dude at, she kind of kicks herself in the butt and remembers that actually she already has the best of her guy, that she has so many of the happy and special times. The circumstances are very different, but I guess that is something that I should remember more often.

I do have the best of the dude. I have so much of the intellectual bantering and quick-wittedness that both of us delight in; I have the most amazing physical closeness where - in spite of me being really fat and ugly - we share a mutual satisfaction in the things we can give each other, and the pleasure we get in return; we laugh so often, and we both seem to want to encourage and give strength to each other as much as possible. Maybe these things will not last for ever, and there will be no enduring legacy. But for now, maybe I should be counting the chickens I have, instead of the eggs that will never hatch...

1 comment:

Aqua said...

Hi Jcat,
I have been thinking a lot about you. I feel so much like you and I AM married to the man. Enjoy the chickens you have because often, even if you find the eggs, and spend the time trying to create a beautiful meal with them, you find they have gone bad, or have become overcooked! Seriously.