bipolar bitch from hell

Very disgruntled today. Quarter Leponex did so NOT make me sleep last night. P-doc said don't take sedative for an hour afterwards, I eventually took it at 23h00, and then still couldn't sleep until 01h30. My babiest mynah died this morning. I didn't do 5 out of the 6 chores I should have done, because they involved leaving the house. I pleaded illness to the rehab centre and didn't do my shift this afternoon, for the same reason. (They did have enough people, I made sure of that, and in return I agreed to doing the whole day next Sat). I didn't eat breakfast or lunch, and supper consisted of a steak, which I overcooked even tho' I was standing right there. No vegetables, because all the ones in the house looked like they needed too much thought to cook. Have just started 3rd book for the day and don't feel like reading any of them. Finished nice book by Greg Iles - Blood Memory - this morning, wish it had lasted longer. Half Leponex earlier is not doing anything noticeable. It's Friday night and my almost-date dumped me before we even got to the date bit. No mail, e- or snail, except for my overdue tv licence letter. Family dinner tomorrow, and I just don't know if I can endure being alive and sociable for at least 3 hours, even though I love my family and want to see them. No alcohol, firstly cos of new year's reduction vow, and secondly cos Lep and alcohol apparently really don't mix well - which will make sitting through dinner while everyone else has at least two glasses of wine seem even longer. No coffee with Duckbuddy till at least tues.

No real problems. Nothing wrong with anything in my life except me. Not only am I a total loser a$$hole, but I am a whining, stupid self-pitying one. If SHP hadn't already used the label, I'd appropriate it - jcat 'the miserable git'. P-doc asked for my med stash on Thu. We have a stalemate - he asks, I say no, he says 'didn't you promise to give it to me', I say no, and that the way things are dragging I still feel like I need it. Should have told him that it was perfectly safe with me at the moment, because I am so apathetic that I couldn't even organise myself into using it.

Ah hell, think I should take sleeping pill and boring book to bed. Maybe cuddling, purring cats will lull me to sleep.