Saturday, March 10, 2007

comparative speech

Spoken word count for the day : 8 to some arbitrary wrong number (I presume) who phoned. A few hundred to the beasts in residence.

Littlest mousebird died today. Deep down I knew he probably would, he was just too small for anyone except mom to raise. Statistically it shouldn't surprise me, or upset me. But it does. Every time. Other babies are all doing well, although mynah with the rickets does not appreciate the orthopedic shoes he has on. It's hard to explain to a bird about dietary deficencies, when all he sees is that he can't perch on a ladder like his buddies can. *** Note to self - read up on personification of animals as an indicator of social disorders....

Dinah over at Shrink Rap posted on 'Things I wish I knew' today. Including a bit on whether to continue to treat patients who continue to do things that are bad for them. Really scared me, that. I smoke, I am obese, don't do any excercise. Haven't done any illegal drugs for more than 5 years, but probably would if they were offered to me - hey all the offeror would have to say is 'wanna be happy?' and I'd be doing them in a flash. Don't socialise much. Much is a shortened form of 'only when my family makes me', as I don't really see anyone else anymore other than at the rehab centre - my IT work is mostly done from home, and if I have to go into the office, I normally arrange it for weekends. And DuckBuddy dumped me, and that was my only other regular face-to face kind of social contact. I haven't had casual sex in a long while, haven't actually had sex at all since my sort of boyfriend was murdered. Two and a half years ago.

I guess the top three on my bad-person list are that I compulsively hoard excess meds in case I need them to OD when I give up. And I drink, although this year I have made a very concerted attempt at not drinking at all, and on the few times I have slipped, it has been more like 4 single vodka and coke lites than the previous excess. P-doc still marvels at the answer to 'what is the most you have drunk in one session', when I had to confess to about an 8 hour evening that included 17 double vodka's. Only reason I know that is cos it was on the bill. And no, I spent the following day with my head under a pillow feeling so not well. But even on my own at home, I was going through a bottle every two days. Now I don't even have a bottle at home. And number three is that I self-injure. Used to be only the left bicep, since being in hospital last year where I ran out of left bicep and did the left foream, it's mainly been both.

If seeing him for treatment would be conditional on stopping most of the self-damaging things, I can only think that it would be more likely to stop on a self-terminating kind of thing. I couldn't bear to fail him. Even more than I already do. I don't think t-doc would impose those kind of terms. She is too empathetic, and even with being ten years younger than me, she is maternal in a lot of ways. I hope she wouldn't. If p-doc did that though, and didn't give partial points for trying... I'd end up dead.

Oh what a cheerful, happy (and sober) train of thought on a Saturday night...

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